Instant Reactions to A Bunch of BS (And A Bunch of Good to Balance That Out):

It's been awhile, and dad has been impatient for a new post, so, herrrrrre we go...

:( Stupid words: Go away. I don’t want to hear delish, spork, yummy, or slang words on the news or Facebook anymore. Full words are awesome, and simply using forks and spoons. And if you are over 30 and still using your Facebook as a pedestal for the world to know EVERYTHING about your every move, well, deactivate your account for a few days and see who actually pays attention to you, THEN spend more time with them than on Facebook.

:) Sundays: I am growing to love you while sleeping in, laying in bed until almost noon, watching movies, and the all important Dockside breakfast with whoever shows up before 1:00. Thanks.

:( Kim Kardashian: If you divorce someone after 72 days, don’t take the advice of your fame hungry mother and keep the 20 carat ring. Return it to the poor sweet guy who got kidnapped by your bullshit family for profit. And you pretty much suck too…stop dipping your face in a bowl of makeup every morning, get your family to break the professional relationship with Ryan Seacrest, and go live a quiet life in the Swiss Alps or something. We would all be MUCH better off.

:) Snowboarding: You are the only reason I will likely survive winter in Oregon again this year. Big shout out to Chris Wade for forcing the sport on me a few years ago.

:( Occupy Portland: Yea, there was a point to this. But smoking tons of weed, allowing the whole homeless population to migrate in, and costing my county tons of tax dollars when I already got my ass kicked by the new state biennium contract just doesn’t sit well with me. Regroup, rethink, and figure out a more productive way to prove a point…soon! And trust me, I am liberal as all Hell, but something about this just drives me nuts.

:) Mexico Roadtrip: I really look forward to you next week, laying on beaches, and allowing Bailey Dog his first international trip ever at the age of 11 years 8 months. Going to be a great time.

:( Reality TV: So, this awesome show called The Buried Life about some do-good teens who do positive things and raise money for a bunch of good got scrapped by MTV to make way for more Snooki, mindless hookups, and salaciousness. Bummer.

:) and :( Halloween: This is the first year I actually put a true effort into Halloween. And, I actually liked it. Though I still don’t understand how all our costumes went from full coverage to bare asses.

:( Cavalia: I am sorry, I don’t like your tents in my hood, and from the commercials, your show looks like a bad combo of Lord of the Dance and a horse circus from Hell. I will skip this for certain.

:) It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia: Having no cable resulted in me finding this awesome show on Channel 9. How did I miss this for five years?!

:( Beaver Football: %***@#WTF#**ARRRRRRGH!!!!!! Need I say more?!

:) Friday Morning Hikes: Rain or shine in scrubby clothes and a ponytail with two awesome mutts…couldn't ask for anything better.

;) So, Dad: I finally wrote a new blog post! Maybe I will get another one done before 6 months pass.

Sitting On a Bridge, Contemplating the Unknown...

I started this on my phone Sunday evening while waiting to get over a bridge to my parents’ house for dinner. Sat in my idling car a while as the boats passed through, and here is what I managed to scribble down in that time, with a little more added…

If I knew exactly what my life will look like three years from now, would I be living it differently or just keep going with the grand adventure? I’m applying for and interviewing for new jobs, rejoined the world of caring about what the opposite sex thinks of me, and am being as active as I can to avoid going stir crazy. I am at the point again where I want to know all the answers to what my ‘near future’ life will look like. “Patience is a virtue and I want it now!” This quote keeps ringing in my ears.

This said, maybe the excitement should remain in the unknowing: Will I get my dream job? Leave the state (both agency and actual rainy Oregon) prior to deciding that I’m settling down? Could Bailey help raise a new puppy prior to his death (still a few years away at least), or will he retire to my parents? Will I finally win the lottery, fall upon a huge inheritance, or sell all my stuff so that I can go do full time philanthropy work and stalk the super hot TOM’s Shoes founder (whose name is Blake, not Tom)?

Actually, I just read through a lot of my blog over this past week and realized…I’ve asked many of these questions before, always to end up landing on my feet with new awesome additions, twists, and turns.

I guess not knowing isn’t so bad, and probably a good thing for me at the moment…for all of us, for that matter. If we knew exactly what tomorrow looked like, we would possibly get apathetic, less passionate about what we want, and a little bit entitled...

Oh, up until quite recently, I probably confused the shit out of any guy who tried to compete for my attention against the fall to spring on and off other half. I apologize for that, and have to some of them already. Many caught on, seem to have forgiven my sporadic-ness, and forged on with the idea of friendship. I’m still about 25% jaded at the moment, but, it shall pass. And on that note…when it comes to the opposite sex, listen to your damn friends…they are typically 95% right, 12% wrong, 47% going to trash him and say, “you’re too hot for him,” or “he’s a douche,” and “umm, I’m available if you want a boyfriend now,” AND 35% are just going to say, “Go for it and I will be here on the other side when you crash and burn from that disaster.” Thanks to all my friends who offered me many variations of the mentioned support forms… ya all are the best.

And with that, please remember that I fearlessly hit ‘POST’ after writing all this (and for the past six years) to remind anyone else out there having the same exact thoughts that you’re not the only one. Life is a trip…we stand, fail, cry, smile, love, succeed. Enjoy life with every ounce of your heart, minimal fear, and no regrets while you still have it. May hurt a little more, but it may bring bigger rewards as well...

And Aly and Taryn approved this message...

Spring and Summertime Goals

Float the Clackamas more than once ~ Hike every trail in Forest Park ~ Camp at least three weekends (including one at Spark’s Lake) ~ Find my tiara ~ Cook more than I eat out ~ Sit in the sun on my porch A LOT ~ Sit in the sun on decks at restaurants around Portland A LOT ~ Run to the waterfront and back a dozen times (at least) ~ Go on a whitewater rafting trip ~ See a play at the Shakespeare Festival in Ashland ~ Admit that I am a snob for driving my own car to the family trip in Coeur D’alene and Leavenworth ~ Wear a dress at least twice a week ~ See some summer concerts ~ Keep walking to the beat of my own drummer ~ Believe it’s all going to happen the way I want it to ~ Hike a mountain side or two ~ Have a blast at every First Thursday and beer and food festival ~ Leave the state more than once ~ Maybe even leave the country ~ NOT be in a wedding for once ~ Kayak ~ Win the lottery…preferably a big one ~ Climb on real rock outside and maybe master a couple tough indoor climbs ~ Walk instead of drive whenever possible ~ Find a cheap bike so I can be ‘sooooo Portland’ ~ Never pretend that I don’t care ~ Wear my sunscreen instead of trying for an ‘Oregon’ tan ~ Be the sober girl on the crazy summer boats (most of the time) ~ Read a book, or seven ~ Catch up with everyone who will be coming out of winter hibernation to play… Seriously, hunt me down this spring and summer if there are adventures to be had… I want to partake in as many as possible!

33 Ways to Be Happier Than Yesterday (For Year 33 of Course)

See smile and laugh lines as a sign of a life well lived rather than as wrinkles ~ Don't dwell in the negatives of your past or the pasts of others ~ Throw blankets ~ Hug goodbye more often than handshakes ~ Be ok with being super sentimental and keep pics of loved ones all around ~ Have an awesome dog ~ Try new things no matter how old we get ~ Continue to make new friends and be able to let go of the crappy ones ~ Say thank you as often as merited ~ Say 'I love you' as often as possible ~ Don't smoke cigarettes ~ Watch your alcohol intake if you’re in a bad space ~ Get out of town when you can ~ Eat stuff that may not be good for you now and then ~ Stay active to balance it out ~ Don't be afraid to open your heart to those who may deserve it ~ Learn to love again even if you think it's going to be hard ~ Enjoy art, live music, and culture ~ Live life with less fear…maybe even none ~ Don’t always stick to a routine ~ Find something (or someone) to believe in…whoever or whatever that may be ~ Learn to say no more often ~ Learn to say yes more often ~ Love someone like they may not be there tomorrow ~ Give second chances, but not too many past that ~ Get lots of sunshine ~ Have more faith in yourself ~ Have more faith in others ~ Forgive and forget ~ Remember and appreciate ~See as much of the world as you can ~ Always remember how beautiful or handsome and loved you are ~ Have a theme song…

The Right Hand Ring...

I wear a ring on my right ring finger that was given to me by an incredibly terrible person. I am quite comfortable saying that he was ‘an incredibly terrible person’ because, well, he treated me like absolute crap and always tried to cry his way out of shit when I called him on it. Anyone who is pretty close to me knows the story of this man, and know that while he and I were together, I second guessed myself literally everyday…multiple times. He mentally beat me to the ground, and it took a Hell of a lot of amazing people to pick me back up once I came back to Oregon in 2007.

So, the ring…it is actually kind of a nuisance. It’s not completely sealed around my finger, so it gets caught on things like the rim of the washing machine, towels, doors…literally almost broke my finger once (or twice) because of it. I sold the bracelet and earrings that were also given to me with the ring, donated the necklace to a charity for kids with cancer. But, I just can’t part with this last little piece of silver.

I was on a boat one day with friends, and Benny looked down at my finger and asked, “Who gave you that Tiffany ring?“ I replied, “How‘d you know it was a Tiffany ring?” Apparently, he‘d bought his ex the same one. “I got it from an ex,” I said. “Well why the hell do you wear it then? I will swallow it right now if you let me!” I laughed and replied, “It reminds me everyday of who I am worth.” To this he said, “Well, when you find the right one, melt it into a piercing.” I responded, “No, I am going to throw it into the Goddamn ocean!”

So, I had a boyfriend a couple years ago who called it the “I hate men ring” because if I was mad at him I would wear it. In retrospect, that seemed a little bitchy, so now I just wear the thing all the time…literally never take it off. I mean, it’s better to have a constant reminder of the things I don’t want to put up with than a passive aggressive insult to the men I date. That one was actually a really nice guy, just didn’t have his shit together…and sadly, that is one of the things that I need…is for someone to have their shit together.

So, that’s the end of my story. I really don’t care to share more at this time. But to all my ladies, who put up with a lot of shit (well, and men too I guess). Take some time to really think about what you are worth in a relationship. Don’t put up with bullshit, don’t let someone take you for granted, don’t feel bad if you do exactly as you are asked or wished to do and then get flak for it. The person who deserves you will come along. They will allow you to be you, take you for who you are, not buckle under pressure, not care if you pour your heart out, not worry about fear. They will lift you up and not play games, they’ll be your biggest cheerleader on the crappiest of days. They’ll make you want to throw your reminder in the ocean for good, with no regrets. They’ll share their deepest darkest fears with you and relish in learning yours too. Find something that reminds you everyday that you are one Hell of an amazing person, worth everything that all your friends tell you that you are.

And with that, I am going running, because it has just been one of those days…

Remembering We’re All Effing Beautiful, Including Me (aka, My Single Summer)

I’d like to preface this post by saying, there’s a good chance some of this will be met with disdain, some of it will sound hypocritical, and a bit of it will make my dad wish he could go ahead and ground me since he never had a chance to while I was growing up. But, I’m okay with that, because, well…if you know me, you know I’ve never had a problem being a shameless ass at times…

A couple months ago, I wrote a post titled We’re All Effing Beautiful. This summer has challenged my thoughts on this concept incessantly…and I really don’t like it. Don’t get me wrong…this is my first true single summer in eleven years, so it‘s been a different perspective for me to experience summer…

1) Through the eyes of a girl who people KNOW is single AND

2) Along with all those other crazy people who are also single (and some, just insanely out of control).

Yes, for 2010, I took KnowGood‘s advice (voluntarily and involuntarily to tell you the truth) and threw down a single girl summer. All in all, it’s been pretty fun despite me questioning what the Hell I’m doing about once every three days. There’s been free entry into clubs, free drinks, free everything along with my girls at Brew Fest after flashing doe eyes and flirting, a handful of fun days on party boats, prancing around with cute boys, way too many late nights, and a legion of other trouble better kept quiet since my father regularly reads this blog.

So, some thoughts:

The Runway Walk: I showed up for a fashion show of a friend’s friend recently, expecting to watch the show. The designer eyed me as I walked into the club, instantly grabbed my arm and dragged me toward a makeshift dressing room while shouting, “I need you for my show!!!” As she tossed dresses at me to try on, referring to me as a model, I mentioned, “Um, I’m not a model by the way,” to which she quickly responded, “No, yes, yes you ARE a model!” I was petrified. I quickly realized that girls in the room who looked like legit models were also petrified, nervous, and questioning if they had the guts to do this. After a shot and a drink to calm my nerves, some professional photos with the rest of the girls, and a walk down a long red carpet runway twice, I realized, “Damn, that was actually really fun.” And the compliments after were pretty great too.

The Boats: This summer included multiple texts from buddies and girlfriends to come out on party boats. The men always request to “bring as many cute girls as you can.” It’s irritating, but, they’re on a mission as much as the rest of us I suppose, and we oblige them. Then you get on the boats and watch the silicone bouncing, the cat fights ensue over ‘shared‘ boyfriends, and girls ditz about as if men think brains aren’t sexy…when most of the men, after their initial boob fixations wear off, tend to gravitate toward the women who can actually carry a conversation. One guy on a boat early in the season actually said, “Wow, you are really sharp,” after I used sarcasm to address something he’d said...perhaps not a typical ’dialect’ for some of the regulars? Not to say that some of the beauties and silicones on the boat aren’t smart, but, I saw many fine ladies act as stupid as they could this summer while boding for male attention. I actually pulled up the bikini bottom on a (literal) stripper whose ass was hanging out and said, “Keep those pulled up,“ to which she giggly replied, “But it’s supposed to look like that, hee hee hee hee,“ and then continued her stripper ‘ass hanging out’ dancing on the bough. Some of the guys mentioned that when I started drinking, I’d talk about the diminishing IQ points on the boat...yea, I had my moments too, but overall, I still like to stick with the idea that a mind is a terrible thing to waste, especially when you pretend you don’t have one for the sake of a boy who won‘t stop staring at your chest. There was a great day a couple weeks ago where there were only five of us girls on a boat with some guy friends…none of us had fake parts and all of us talked in full sentences. It…was…awesome.

The Clubs: I was in the bathroom at Couture about a month ago with two gorgeous girls who were wearing hooker shoes and too tight of dresses who were bitching about everything regarding their bodies. “Do my arms look too muscular in this dress?” “Does my butt look okay?” Multiple self loathing statements, all said with strong disdain. As I walked out of the bathroom, I turned to the girl who wasn’t in the stall and said, “You’re both beautiful, shut the fuck up,” and walked out. That, while maybe not appropriate to say, felt good.

The Sweeter Guys: Tuesday, I was on the boats with a bud, talking to him about the fact I feel I am a little behind the curve for the ‘boat cuteness quota’ at times…I said I’m on the sillier and more conversational side, pretty, but not nearly as gorgeous as some of the other female boat mates. He replied, “No, you’re very beautiful!” So, thanks Rob, because by the end of this summer, I had almost forgotten that. And by the end of that night, two of the other girls were in a screaming cat fight, nearly overboard, so, at least I wasn’t them.

And now, at the end of the summer, I’m still single, feeling like a tornado hit me, liver a little less strong, ego healthily reminded that I’m doing okay, and attitude slightly skewed with assumptions of entitlement. Was it a fun summer? Hell yeah. Do I want next summer to be like this? Maybe half as much. Will I figure out what works for me and not everyone else? God, I hope so.

All in all, I think I just won’t apologize. The past few months have been a good (and occasionally wild) eye opener for me, and excellent evidence that I know what I really want and how I want to be perceived by others...genuine inside and out, silicone free (not that it is always bad), completely okay being intelligent AND pretty, and ready to tone down the reality show lifestyle for next summer.

Season passes for the mountain go on sale September 1st.  And college football starts in less than a week. Those two things alone may carry me through until next summer.  And thanks to everyone who has contributed to my many adventures from May until now…I loved just about every minute of it.

Finding 4 Things, Scary Movies, & Singing My Way Through It All...

To start, I’ll apologize for the blog post delay to my regularly reading father. I know it’s been over a month. I had one written up, but it just wasn’t what I wanted to project or talk about by the time I hit send, so, it got scrapped. And with that, here’s what’s on my mind…

I think we should constantly re-evaluate our lives and figure out where we are going while remembering what and where we came from.  Some need to find their God, some need to find new jobs, some need to chill the hell out and stop going out all the time, some need to just kiss the right stranger. I may need to do all four, in no particular order…and maybe I already did some of them…maybe I’m still working on it…but I am home on a Saturday night writing this, so, that’s a start I suppose.

The work I do for my job is currently burning me out again. I'm tired of reading about bipolar addict mothers, siblings who barely know one another, and kids being abused to the point of permanent physical, mental, and emotional damage. I’m always forthcoming with the stories from my own early life, but, honestly, a lot of times, I don’t want to read about the same BS happening to other families. It’s the reason I do the work I do though…to hopefully help end the cycle for other families…and I will probably be fine once the referrals for kids slow down again. But it’s digging things up regardless.

My sister just found this scary, scary movie that we saw part of when we were on a visit to Boise as little kids. I always remembered it a little differently. And that said, the clip of the ‘masked scary ass person’ on ice is still a little terrifying. I’ll let you be the judge though…here it is.  Honestly, this is just as freaky to me as it was when I was eight.  Then again, I thought that Candyman was terrifying until my friend in college said he sounded like Barry White.
 
And on that subject, my sister and I used to act out every musical known to man.  I never got to be the main character, and often got stuck being the boy too.  Talk about a mean big sister.  My most regular roles were 'Molly' in Annie and one of the Pink Ladies in Grease and Grease II (but never Sandy or Stephanie, oh noooo...Jennifer always scored those).  Anyway, if people ever wonder why I break out into song all the time, it's most likely the direct effect of singing our way through childhood.  Life is usually better when you're tone deaf and singing anyway.   
 
Oh, and I had the first person ever unfriend me on Facebook because of political views.  The issue surrounding gay marriage, but moreso, my opinion that the judicial system needed to get whacked for the sake of overturning a ruling on gay marriage.  This was the comment that got me not only cut, but terrorized by angry texts (ok, those were about my views on the mosque in NY too actually) and also called a pseudo intellectual hack:
 
Well, if the line in the ground of rights and government control is gone...I will happily support its demise for this case...and Elton John can bite me. He's one of a million gay men...if he wants to disagree with this, more power to him......he is not the God of gay men and women afterall. I think back to the days when interracial marriages were illegal in MANY states. Thank God those laws were overturned...what if they weren't? It'd be ridiculous! And, while I recognize you don't care if same sex marriages occur (glad we agree on that), I will say that I hope anyone who does disagree with same sex marriage will look back in 40 years and realize how ridiculous their judgment was...this needed to happen...whoop de doo if it ruffled a few controls.
 
And with that, I'll say, I guess sometimes it's okay to let people you have nothing in common with anymore go, even if you've known them 17 years.  I've seen him bully people, including his own wife, for a long time now, and it's always pissed me off. 
 
I tend to get frustrated when people's arguments are simply based on religion, being a conservative, or laced with expletives calling other people names.  If you want to debate, back it up...nothing like a baseless opinion to get a slam right back at you.  I think I have said this before, but just because you align with one political party or one religious denomination does not mean you have to be a closeminded person about everything FOX News or The Bible doesn't agree with.  Constantly question and educate yourself on everything. 
 
And here is what I am singing in my car right now:  Fader by The Temper Trap, There Goes My Life by Kenny Chesney, and Love the Way You Lie By Eminem.  Once loathed, Mr. Mathers is starting to get some appreciation from me again.  At least for now.

We’re All Effing Beautiful…

The other night I was watching TV with my roomie (ok, over two weeks ago…I don’t watch a lot of TV). Jennifer Garner popped up on the screen. My roomie commented that she didn’t think that she was that pretty. I disagreed and said that I liked that the American ’ideal’ has appeared to embrace her and ’decide’ she is beautiful. I mean, why not? She has a great body, cute dimples, she’s always smiling, and most of all she seems like a genuinely good person. Then my roomie agreed, true, she is beautiful.

So, years ago I wrote an insanely long paper for school about beauty in the US…how models used to be size eights, but at the time (in 1996) had shrunk to a size two. At the time, I was a muscular size ten and pissed. Now I AM a skinny size 4, and still pissed. Why are we still so stuck on these ideas that women all need to be the same mold of beauty, and men for that matter?

Granted, in the dating world, you have to be attracted to anyone you may want to date…so let’s look past that for now shall we and just focus on some other thoughts…for me, I’m looking for ‘perfect for me’…not perfect for the world…which means, their insides better damn well be loving and caring as all hell. Which may explain why I was completely comfortable spending five plus years of my life with a guy who was only 5’7”…and anyone who knows who I am speaking of may like to know that he continues to be beautiful, is married with a lovely little daughter and runs a Domestic Violence Shelter in Moab, Utah.

Why is it that every time Queen Latifah gets interviewed they wax on about her big beautiful body. Why can’t we let that go and just agree that she is a beautiful person inside and out, big not included?

I just know I have met some drop dead gorgeous women and men in my life who were the ugliest assholes on the inside. It made the perfect smile seem evil, the pretty eyes seem manipulative, the muscular arms an excuse for them to be controlling and bullying to others.

Case in point. One of my best guys loves to go to Henry’s to ogle the girls. Whenever we go, I challenge him to talk to them, go say hi, buy them a drink. He never does. He mentions that they snub him when he smiles at them, seem really uptight, or seem above everybody else in the bar. Granted, some of these chicks are gorgeous inside and out too, but he’s figured out the girls at Blitz Ladd seem more smiley, down to earth, less concerned with pounds of makeup, etc, etc…but he still won’t talk to them, but that’s a different story.

And, as I write this, I just returned from the gym because I want to be in awesome shape (ok, and it makes me feel better, but it's definitely vanity driven as well), I wear makeup most days and LOVE makeup actually. I buy $150 jeans to make my ass look cuter. Damn right I will get as adorable as I can for First Thursday this week. So honestly, I just feed into the problem I suppose…and maybe that makes me a hypocrite…but shit, at least I feel like I am beautiful…almost all the time…regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I guess my point is that you should never assume that you aren’t beautiful. Because I’m sure you are and you just don’t know it.  Embrace parts of you that are unconventional to society's eye.  And if you’re beautiful on the inside too, well, that one slightly imperfect tooth, that graying hair, that bridge of your nose that annoys the piss out of you, or the feet you think are slightly too big, the chest you think is too small, the ears that seem too imperfect… well, they’re are probably quite endearing to friends, lovers, and even your family...and make you all the more beautiful. I mean, the more I get to know certain people, the more I love certain features about them…mostly because they are simply amazing people.

Just a thought…I’ll stop rambling now and offer up some songs:  I Run to You by Lady Antebellum, You and Me by DMB, and listen to the band Stars. Saw them recently in concert and was literally floored.

In Order to Balance Out My Optimism…

I will complain for a few lines about all that is bothering me…

The Gore separation: Unlike the Speidi separation which I could give a flying f**k about, the Gores calling it quits rattles me. I thought they had as good a shot as Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. It reminds me of a conversation I had with a seven year old kid when I worked at a party store during high school and college. She was looking at cake toppers and pointed to one with a silver ‘25’ on top and asked what it was for. I told her that was for when people have been married 25 years. She looked at me, sighed, and said, “But people don’t stay married that long anymore!“ I was stunned. I am from a family with parents on both ends of the spectrum…a mother who has been married and divorced five times AND a father who has been happily remarried for 27 years. Think I plan to take after my father…and Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward…they were a fairytale.

The oil spill: As much as I like to stay up on current events, I can’t even read the articles on this without wanting to cry. Actually, my bleeding heart is reacting to everything I read in Time Magazine lately too. Some days, I feel like I need to quit my job, sell my stuff, and just go help people. I know my actual paying job is to help people everyday, but, sometimes, being an American feels really, REALLY selfish. I’m working on how to handle this without giving up my livelihood. I’ll let you know what I come up with. It may include finding a few more volunteer projects to partake in…I could use some, so give me a few good ideas.

Rain: Need I say more? My label as being the ‘solar powered girl’ feels so true right now. Saturday’s sun created a crazy Sarah monster of wildness. Then, back to being a slug the past few days. I’m going crazy!!!

Me jumping to conclusions: The first thing I think when wives disappear is that their husbands had something to do with it. The first thing I think when kids disappear is that their parents had something to do with it. My industry gets me jaded at times. God, I know there are more kids missing out there than Kyron right now, and I really hope more of them are found.

Ok, no more negatives. But, as promised, I mentioned something in the last post and said people would know results either way. So, “it” died. The gel isn’t there at the moment. So for now, we move on…

Let’s end with some happiness and a lesson, shall we…

Amazing friends: Robin calls me at least every few weeks to tell me she loves and misses me and to make sure I’m ok. She’s been doing this since we were 12, and I love her for it. I called my friend Nick this afternoon and the first thing he said to me was, “I’ve missed that voice.” He’s a relatively new friend in all reality, but he’s one who just always knows what to say and cares about everyone who crosses his path…he’s already given me loads of good advice.  Jamey pointed to me on Friday night and announced to a small crowd that I saved his life during the six months after his girlfriend died.  It floored me, and I think I actually got tears in my eyes. David boldly told me on Saturday night, “Damn Sarah, when you are not interested in talking to someone, you can be such a bitch!!!” I so appreciate every moment of the last few years that he has just bravely told me I am a pain in the ass at times.

The lesson…constantly reevaluate what ‘friendship’ means to you. Don’t hold onto shitty friends, don't only spend time with the friends who stroke your egos...schedule time and listen hard to the ones who tell you the truth.  And of course, try to remind the really good ones (new and old) who stick with you through everything that you love them. Superficiality is a waste of your time. 

And since I can’t really think of any songs this month, here is what I am looking forward to this summer…

Staying out too late on work nights, the family trip, the wedding of C + T, kayaking, inner tubing, hitting balls on the driving range at sundown, beer festivals, First Thursdays, excuses to find a designated driver and act like an idiot OR BE the designated driver and make fun of all the other people acting like idiots, random concerts, trips to the beach, and heavy rotation of my flip flops and tank tops. BUT topping the list is the arrival of my next nephew, Baby Boy Perry in July. He’s going to be amazing.

Thank God it's almost really summer!

Sleep Deprived Thoughts From a Plane Above the Middle of America...

I wrote this on my flight from New York to Vegas this morning...one I got up for at 1:00 am Pacific Standard Time to catch.  Thought about erasing it, but in true Sarah form, I wrote it for a reason, so...

On my way back from an awesome trip to New York.  I've been gone from home for five short days, but the combination of flights, trains and subways, walking, and relaxing on restaurant fronts with drinks has given me plenty more time to do what I do best...think. 

Days one and two were spent overthinking and stressing.  Finally by the third day, I hit vacation mode and was actually enjoying myself...I'd given up worrying about the wedding I'm in on Thursday, the engagement party I'm throwing Saturday, and the guy I've known for two months who confusingly reciprocates my bids for affirmation and proves in little ways that we may just have a shot.  For the first time in a while, texts from a guy make me giddy (even if it's something pithy like 'I just hurt my leg running, boo :('...) and seeing his face makes me light up.  And for once, a best bud likes him...says he'd be good for me.  Like Bright Eyes says...I feel like I'm waiting to win the lottery with this one...and for me, that's freaky.  But my heart is sticking with him (because, to tell you the truth, my heart hasn't given me the choice yet to bail)...until it gels or until it dies...you'll know the outcome either way.

One thing I've decided while on this trip is that I'm modifying my June roadtrip.  I'm going to Ashland, Angels Camp, LA, and then heading back home.  I've got other things I want to do.  I want some downtime at home.  I want to be a better bridesmaid for Clarence and Tami than I have been for my brother and Christi.  I'm not ready to roll back through Utah yet.  Not sure why.  

Otherwise, I'm wondering if lucky and fortunate go hand in hand.  The butterfly effect of everything good in my life mesmerizes me at times.  I'm not sure how people can bitch and moan constantly about small things.  We create what we assume we will create.  Negativity just breeds more of it.  Positivity makes a domino effect of pretty much anything good you want, within reason.  I've been living my life fearlessly and shamelessly for a while now. I'm sure I've looked like an ass at times, and I definitely haven't gotten everything I wanted.  But, come on now...why wouldn't you just want to live like you're dying and do all the exciting things that come your way and fight til the end for everything you want, whether that be love, better perks at work, more faithful friendships, more honesty with everyone?

It seems to work alright for me.  And I'm sticking with it.

Songs...I like the new Usher CD. Yea, I said it.  And I'm seriously thinking The Script deserve all the attention they're getting.  I'd listen if I were you.

I Need To Go To Seaside, And Other Sarah Thoughts…

Staring over the top of my laptop, watching the Blazers lose. This is not good. Maybe I should write something.

I just booked a trip to New York with my buddy Ryan. He had leftover round trip tickets via frequent flier miles, he knows I have the most flexible schedule in the world, and, we don‘t appear to have the ability to kill one another…so lucky me, I get a free roundtrip ticket. We are flying into Long Island, taking only backpacks and storming the city for five days, trying to see as much as we can while we are there. I did an eleven day, five city tour of Spain once with just a carry-on, so I think I will be able to swing it. Any ideas on what to do and see while we are there would be greatly appreciated. This trip should break up my mind while I am waiting for my three weeks off at the end of June to go on my 2500 mile, five state roadtrip through OR, CA, NV, UT, and ID. That time is much needed, and let me explain in more detail…

Despite my rosy persona, I am a little discontent lately. Don’t get me wrong…I love my life, my friends, my family, all that stuff I regurgitate post after post…but obviously, I should constantly refocus and look at where I am in life, right? Sooo, I was sitting in my room the other morning, thinking about all the obligations I had to fulfill that day, realizing that all I really wanted to do was throw Bailey in the car and drive to Seaside. I didn‘t, but maybe I should have.

So let’s talk relationships shall we? I rarely do, so this is your peek into this side of me. I occasionally think that whoever ends up being the other half in my life is going to just have to mold to the happy chaos that is my everyday…events, obligations, friends, family. But in all honesty, I want to get selfish and just hole up with someone and forget about everyone for a while and figure out how life works with that person, then ease all of the chaos from both our lives together, sloooowly. Eh, just a thought.

I just know I’d be looking into my life as a guy thinking…where the Hell is she gonna fit me in?! Okay, I admit it…it was said to me OUTRIGHT a few months ago by someone who’d accumulated five months of on and off time with me…he had a good glimpse of me, and he was right (though I denied it)…I still spread myself too thin. I go back to a few years ago when my other half at the time asked me, “When was the last time you did something JUST for you?” I couldn’t come up with anything…at all. I spent several months after that revelation doing a lot more for myself…and loved it.

And at this moment, I think I need to adjust again…sometime soon perhaps. Lord knows I may change my mind tomorrow. But I like this idea. So don’t be offended if I disappear. I promise I will still be there for all the important stuff. But, maybe I will come out on the other side as my friend KnowGood has been ordering…coupled up sometime in the next few months (well, he said May is my deadline actually, but, I think I should get some grace weeks).

Meh, how about some songs from my Shazam list (so, things that sound good to my ears on first contact) and some that I just tend to love: Smile by Uncle Kracker, Promises by The Morning Benders, Felicia by Constellations, Help I’m Alive by Metric, Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg, I Might Be Crying by Tanita Tikaram.  I'm bringing back Chaiyya Chaiyya too...by A.R. Rahman.

And yes, this is one of those posts I just had to write…and the Blazers just lost…boooooo.  And with that, I am hitting the publish button...

What Are You Doing? Sitting In the Sun. I Knew It!

I haven’t mentioned that dialogue between Wes and I from 2006 for the year yet, but most days when I’m sitting in the sun (like right now), I think of it and laugh. And with that, I give you many moments of reflection…

Today was spent at a memorial service for a close friend‘s dad. The idea of burying our parents just seems too soon, and in this case, it was for sure. It was nice to see how loved a person could be though and also wonderful to know that the man truly just lived life to the fullest, the way he wanted to, surrounded by love and laughter, until his dying day. I mean, the entire staff of a restaurant he frequently visited showed up to bid him farewell…pretty amazing.

I saw my oldest younger brother this morning by chance. He’s one of the loves of my life, but like something of a bad boyfriend who never returns your calls or remembers to call you on your birthday. He’s always shown his love in his own way though, and referred to me as ‘sis’ and hugged me before scampering along with a buddy. He recently had a kid and when I went to visit, whispered to his 2 week old son, “Look, your whole family is here right now.” I’ve been trying to figure out how to relate to him since my mom lost custody of him when he was fourteen. I’m assuming that one day we’ll just get it right, but I’d like that day to come sooner rather than later.

Other thoughts:

I’m a bad dog parent and Bailey may be my last dog for many years to come.  I'll never get rid of him, but I think I'd be living downtown in a condo right now if I didn't have him.  That said, he’s ten, happy, healthy, and continues to have 100 toys all over the house. And that said, I’m naming my next dog Rogue or Cupid Valentino…yea, as much as I think I will be without a dog one day, I don't think it's in my blood to be dog-less.

I think I am about 75% success and 25% failure on my Resolutions for 2010.  Notably, I continue to suck at spending time with my friends who have kids (when the kids are present), I don't go to bed before midnite most nights, and I still overanalyze the hell out of everything. 

And, I got this quote from someone I really don't know, but, I think it is worth noting: "People who can't see a good thing in front of them when they have it are useless." Well said stranger, well said. 

And finally, I really did make an itinerary for my spring and summer.  It's insane...I mean, out of control, but typical me and it's all a ton of fun stuff.  I will officially announce now though:  I will probably NEVER come to your candle, jewelry, handbag, or Pampered Chef Party.  If I want something, I'll order it straight up from you.  Weddings...yes, b'days...98.3% of the time, grand openings of stuff you're proud of...of course, and memorial services for those you love... absolutely.  But, considering I rarely say no, I figured I had to put the ban out somewhere. 
 
And with that, some songs:  Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart by Alicia Keys, Half of My Heart by that scumbag John Mayer, You and Me by DMB, Stop for a Minute by Keane, Over by Drake, Kandi by One Eskimo, Quality Control by Jurassic 5, Shining Down by Lupe Fiasco, annnnd Dracula's Wedding by Outkast & Kelis.  Yea, some of those are from a guy I used to date who had fabulous taste in music and was brave enough to dance around his house to hip hop music in front of me.  The good thing about so-so relationships is quite possibly the awesome music you get out of them before it all goes bust...or at least I will try to think about it that way. 
 
Innertubing the rivers is just around the corner everyone.  Start blowing yours up now so we are on time this year.

A Post For Dad Because, Well, He Likes This Stuff...

Dear Dad, I don't have much to write tonight, so I figured I would write a post directly to you because you hate when I wait a month to write a new post to my blog...

You should really think about liking Lady Antebellum like the rest of the family.  They are amazing.  I still think it's funny that you, Scott, and I all bought Kings of Leon music in the same week.  I am currently obsessed with them by the way.  Everyone else reading this should listen to Revelry, Notion, Arizona, The Runner, and Knocked Up over and over just like me.

Speaking of Scott, can you believe he and Christi are getting married in less than two months now?!  I'm pretty excited that I am in the wedding when you consider that about 7 years ago, I was just meeting my little brother for the first time. 

And, speaking of marriage, you haven't asked me when I am getting married anytime recently.  I'm proud of you!  That said, I will continue to promise you grandkids sometime within this decade...which is easy since a new decade just started.  Ha, I am just as funny as you.

I've been telling everyone I am going on my first bonafide family trip with you this summer.  Nothing like getting the first big trip in with your dad at 32 years of age.  I think it will be pretty fun, but just remember...I am driving my own car AND I have to leave for Los Angeles before all of you finish the trip.  Seventeen hours in the big white van with you exclusively driving just doesn't appeal to me.  Shhh, don't tell everyone else!

Ok Dad, here is my other news (even though I just talked to you three days ago):  I haven't gone snowboarding again because my ribs took forever to heal, so you'll be happy to know I am still alive and probably only going to be able to go a few more times since I waited so long.  That said, I am thinking of finding a way to create dangerous versions of golf or frisbee golf.  I'll keep you posted.

That's all the news I have for you right now.  Maybe I should tell you that you have been a pretty awesome dad for the seven years I have known you again...not sure what I'd do without you and the mirror image of me I see in you every time we hang out.  I'm a lucky daughter, and I love you.

Love, your super amazing, smart, and beautiful daughter (all those things you tell me :))...Sarah

2% Milk, Carcinogens, and The Unknown Meaning of Life...

Anniversaries of things I hated happening always peak my thinking moments. It's been an interesting couple of weeks, which included both myself and a best friend crying in Sunriver because the last time both of us were in the Bend/Sunriver area was with important people who have since died. Being overly sentimental and pairing that with a day of ‘too much fun’ is bound to dig up way too many emotions right? So, here is all I have for the moment…

My "Favorite Dad" died when he was 56. I was hanging out with Robin at her house one morning shortly after, and we opened the fridge to find 2% milk. To this, Robin replied something to the effect of, "My dad loved 2% milk. Guess he could have drank the 2% instead of the skim...wouldn't have made a difference."

Greg died when he was 19. We used to always rag on him about smoking, how bad it was for him, and how it would kill him early. To this he replied, "I have a feeling I am not going to live that long anyway." Much to our dismay, that was true, and had nothing to do with smoking.

My sister and some other friends are constantly reporting the cancerous levels of toxins in products we eat, use on our body, choose to use on a daily basis. Are those of us who don't use certain products going to live longer than others? I'm not sure. Do we even really control that when all is said and done and we are knocking on death's door?

So, the last couple weeks have really made me think about what I want, how I want my life, what I can and cannot justify. Not that I have many vices other than cereal, Diet Mountain Dew, and an occasional crazy night with a few too many drinks, but...which direction do you think we should go with our lives?

Personally, I want to live until I'm old...very old...not sure why, and maybe I will change my mind when I get to where 'old' is, but still...some people live wild and crazy lives well into their old age, others drop dead way too early after years of great health, and still others leave us way too early as a result of absolutely uncontrollable situations. Doesn't seem to make sense.

And maybe, once again, I'm just thinking too much at 2:00 in the afternoon.

Songs: I’m going old school with Fair by Ben Folds Five, and a newer song (to me at least) The Nosebleed Section by Hilltop Hoods. 

We are almost to spring people...and I can finally almost sleep on both my sides again, so that means I get to try my snowboard out again soon...even though there doesn't seem to be much new snow. 

Why You Shouldn’t Support the Group: Making Drug Tests Required to Get Welfare

The group ‘welcome sign’ reads: This is to help towards making it a requirement to get tested for drugs in order to receive welfare benefits. The economy is bad as it is, this is a great way to cut costs. No more crackheads living off our hard earned money.

The platform for this Facebook group is finally getting to me. Whoever created it used wording of such intelligence that I assume most of its supporters are in the same IQ range. I think people see it and make a snap decision that supporting this is a good idea. So, here’s some arguments for why it’s not…

Yes, some people abuse the system. Others do not (specifically the children of these parents). For example, I grew up in a household that utilized Section 8 Housing, welfare, and even food baskets. My mother drank all the time and used drugs (I remember the pipe that wasn't the kind for smoking weed, her cocaine infused boyfriends, and going with her to pick up bags of different colored pills as a kid actually)…but if she had not received benefits, my future may not be as pretty as it is right now. Her history in the system also probably helped to create a baseline when DHS had to get involved when we were teens.

Basically, the children of parents who use drugs need to eat and get services, and they can’t apply for welfare on their own. So, if you support this, you are essentially supporting child hunger and denial of services to children…something that would have made my life completely different than it is today.

Speaking of, which drugs are we talking about here? Maybe it’s because I grew up in a home with an alcoholic who did quite her fair share of damage, but I consider alcohol a pretty ridiculous drug in itself if used too often. Honestly, I could care less if people use certain drugs (such as marijuana) in moderation...I think they do a lot less damage than people drinking. And I’ve never smoked in my life, so don’t go thinking I am on some pedestal for marijuana smokers (though I do think it should be legalized).

The cost of administering drug tests to everyone who applies for welfare is HUGE! The state can barely afford to test all the people involved in the system as it is.  Don't get me wrong, it needs to be a case by case basis and some do need to be drug tested and get services, but it's not that easy to just say drug test everyone.

Hmm, that may actually be all I have to say about this. I am sure some of my other social service friends can chime in and give you some other ideas of why you should rethink the groups you join on social networking sites.

And please note, based on the wording of the group 'welcome sign' it is easy to make the conclusion this group leader is not requesting people simply get drug tested, but that people be drug free to receive benefits.  Otherwise, they would have chosen their wording a little more appropriately.

Cocoa Pebbles Do This to Me...

All hail Conan, my new love for snowboarding, and summer being less than 5 months away.  Now on with the show...

I’m liking this whole idea that murderers on death row should start donating all their organs to others when they need them. So pretty much, those criminals who have been proven guilty with 100% proof should be on call for when someone needs an organ they have. Sorry if I sound heartless, but, I just don’t get the whole ‘cold blooded killing for the hell of it’ idea.

On that note, I am really tired of hearing about shootings, abuse, murder, and Heidi Montag.  I don’t know the answer to fix it, but come on, stop it already.

I still like Obama. I don’t give a flying f**k what you think. You try to take over the presidency after it was blasted to hell. It’s his first year as a young president and he isn't the only guy running the country right now. Give the guy a break.

Robin’s mom wants me to be the next Bachelorette.  My buddy Joe says I have to settle down by May. All in due time my friends, all in due time. I promise I will avoid ending up on Tough Love (as previously stated in my last post). Did I ever mention that my ‘flower girl’ is a 36 year old man?  Maybe I should speed up the process for his sake. And yes, I will probably have 27 bridesmaids to stay true to my ‘27 Dresses’ comparison. Don’t judge…I love too many of my girls to have to pick.

My very best guy friend Jonathan is leaving me again. Much how I like to have Robin within an hour of me even if I don’t see her all the time, he is the same way. So, we will see how I do when he is in New Zealand for a few years. I’m already planning the plane tickets to get there at least one or two times!

If you’re not watching Modern Family, you really need to start. Honestly, in a sea of lackluster and worthless television, the show is truly genius.

My roomies would like me to mention how cool they are. Done! Lisa is trying to fatten me up. Much to her dismay, I don’t seem to gain weight. Really, it's been a good two years here.  Love it and will probably only leave when I get coupled off one day.

The best way to end a productive day of hiking (exercise) is to have corndogs, tater tots, and milkshakes. Just sayin…yep, that not ever gaining weight thing seems to work out pretty well for me. And I did go dancing after, so, I guess bad food was truly justifiable.

My mom infiltrated our little peaceful world again…this time with absolutely random stuff and some letters that were terribly inappropriate to give to your children, but at the same time, gave me more justification to my dad being the good guy. So, there that is.

Songs (!!!):  Never Be Ready by Mat Kearney, Obsessed by Mariah Carey (sorry, it grew on me), and Electric Feel by MGMT. Oh, and if anyone wants to go to Rogue Wave with me on April 9th, I already bought an extra ticket. My usual concert buddy will be in New Zealand by then (damn you Ph. D seeking Jon)…so I will need a replacement for all future concerts for the next few years! 

Resolutions for 2010...Yes, I Have a Few

Continue to stay true to myself ~ Be an awesome bridesmaid in May and July for the two weddings I am in this year ~ Laugh uncontrollably (and convincingly) every time someone makes the joke that I am like the chick from 27 Dresses as if it is the funniest thing I have ever heard, and the first time I have ever heard it (I suppose it is an indirect compliment that I am such a fabulous friend, people like having me in their weddings) ~ Not end up on the next season of Tough Love on VH1 ~ Run more with Bailey ~ Go on my first bonafide FAMILY trip out of the state with my parents, half sibs, and Tater Bug ~ Eat less sugary cereal (don’t even THINK I would say eat less cereal) ~ Go to more concerts ~ Stay home more nights and have people over instead of going out ~ Be okay with the fact that I will still probably say ’Yes’ too much and ’No’ too little ~ Spend more time with my friends who don’t live in Portland (including those in Salem, Eugene, Southern Oregon, and Beaverton) ~ Spend more time with my friends who have kids ~ Like my nose more than I did this year ~ Keep kicking butt at work ~ Find a way to get reality shows removed from television ~ Go to bed earlier ~ Play 18 holes of golf without getting mad ~ Volunteer more ~ Spoil the heck out of the new babies joining the family in February and July ~ Stop overanalyzing ~ Continue to believe that people are intrinsically good and not bad ~ Float the river more often ~ Go to the ocean more often ~ Continue appreciating the little things in life ~ Keep loving life, no matter what.

Quotes from 2009, And a Mellow Shout Out

It‘s that time of year again when I dump my quotes from Facebook and start a new slate. 1) Don’t make fun of me because I am a quote junkie AND 2) Don’t be surprised if I actually start saying "no" more often. I feel a theme coming on that I like being in bed some nights by midnight. Wait, did I say it with conviction yet?! I’ll keep working on it. But really, one can’t always have a 100% attendance record right? Yes, I need some mellow time.

Ok, here is what I rounded up this year.

"Suddenly I realized - two people isn't enough. You need backup. If you're only two people, and someone drops off the edge, then you're on your own. Two isn't a large enough number. You need three at least." ~from About a Boy (not a 2009 quote, but still good)

"We're not going to talk about politics, we're not going to talk about NASA. What I am going to do is hang up the phone and say, you have a nice day." ~Clarence Cannon

"God has a plan for both of us....I really do believe that. As my mom said, "Dont give up five minutes before the miracle." ~one of my good friends

"Go push over that ceramic giraffe and scream "Lo Ciento!"" ~Jonathan in the PV airport

"Blood doesn't mean losing. Blood means blood." ~Stephen Johnson's UFC analysis

"Sarah, this side is like a musical because of you." ~Megan Vandecoevering after I sang that I was almost done for the day.

"Huh?! What?! Say it again! I just love how it sounds!" ~Jamey Kadaja imitating what he says I say every time he talks because he's so quiet and I'm so loud.

"Do unto others like you wanna be done. Look deep in your heart and know that we are one." ~Mason Jennings

"My eyes are hot! I mean literally, they're burning!" ~Amanda Sparks preparing for Little Black Dress Night...glittery makeup hurts!

Me: Jamey, everyone in this bar is 22.
Jamey: It's all a state of mind...how old are you?
Me: Twenty two.
Jamey: Damn right.

"I was the middle school weightlifting champion!" ~some guy at Kells. He also told me, "Owning a house is tough, tough! I have a gutter hanging from my house," with a blank stare on his face.

Other notable lines: “We’re going to the hot place” … “We’re going to Heaven” (sang swinging arms) … “Seriously?!” … “Sarah, your car is going to be up on blocks when we come back to it.” (at a bar in SE Portland) … “Rookie!!!” … “Hiiiii Cow!” … “Hiiii Tunnel!” … “Would you shut up?! I’m talking to God!” … “Hi, this is your friend Clarence and he misses you.” ... "We can kayak instead of going to church because God is on the water with us right?!"

Annnnd, a song. From the movie The Blind Side…Chances by Five For Fighting. Let me love it. It’s a song that goes from hopeless to hopeful, and makes me think.

Happy Holidays!

31 Thoughts From My Thirty First Year…

Turning 32 in a month and 4 days. Year 31 has been great to me. Was going to wait until a little closer to my birthday to eke these 31 thoughts out. Life is busy from now until then though. So, I’m doing it tonight. So, here you go…honest thoughts from another wonderful year…

1: You can date your best friend after ten years of wondering what it‘d be like, then stop, and then keep the friendship well intact…thank God because I’m still not sure what I’d do without him.

2: Amazing friends can come from a tragedy, but that still doesn’t change the fact I’d sacrifice the friendship to give a buddy back someone he dearly loved…though I’m not sure what I’d do without him either.

3: Good friends follow you through all the job changes, city changes, shit, joys, and tears…I still realize that my friends are the most amazing people in the world.

4: Self centered still doesn’t work for me, neither does financial irresponsibility, or facial hair beyond sexy scruff, or guys who bitch about me having cereal for dinner from time to time.

5: You can survive the long engagement of the bride and groom, and she will be back to normal after the wedding! I am NEVER having a long engagement…too much stress! But truth be told, that wedding was a blast and I think the whole event brought me and the bride that much closer.

6: I don’t like when my thighs touch…I’m never letting that happen again, unless I’m pregnant…then it’s a free for all for the sake of the kid.

7: That said, I don’t think I want to have kids for a little while longer. Probably not a problem since I am not married or anything, but, you know what I mean.

8: And that said, me having an issue with not fitting into some of my size two clothes is ridiculously stupid and I need to stop it. Size four is plenty skinny.

9: My girlfriends only deserve the guys who are going to treat them like the Goddess Princesses they are. Oh, and same goes for me.

10: Stepmoms, despite their bad reputation in movies, fairytales, and fiction can be absolutely wonderful…I adore mine and am still so happy that we have the relationship we have.

11: I don’t see my friends who have kids enough, and I need to do a better job of seeing them.

12: I think I’m scared that I won’t have enough time in life with my dad and I still wonder what those extra 20 years together would have been like.

13: Getting the vehicle I really wanted all along was a FANTASTIC feeling. As was losing another pile of memories that I didn’t want anymore.

14: Every time a Tom Petty song plays, I still think of my Favorite Dad and miss him like Hell, even though it’s been almost three years since he died.

15: Watching my roomies do P90X is a lot more fun than doing P90X. Those videos hurt!

16: I should be doing P90X instead of writing this. Looks like I am in for Plyometrics in the morning. Yikes.

17: Giving up the daily juice box wasn’t so bad. Neither was starting to drink it again.

18: Diet Mountain Dew is really bad for me, and I don’t care.

19: I would not survive without throw blankets, but I will never own a snuggie.

20: No matter how much I love Oregon, I still get the ‘moving bug’ from time to time. I promise to try to keep it in check, but don‘t freak out if I disappear for a month this summer.

21: I threw a guy off this year by talking about how I’m not sure if a college ball player has translated that well into an NBA player. I’ve learned that I will never be able to stop talking sports, despite the gender divide.

22: That said, my God, I spent a lot on makeup, pedicures, and girly crap this year.

23: I’m learning to wakeboard next summer even if it means freezing my ass off in a river.

24: The driving range is the best place, besides the gym, to take out aggression.

25: I am never working an entire summer without days off EVER again.

26: I’m going on the crazy Vegas trip in April again, but using a lot more sunscreen. I will also avoid getting kicked out of a bar again. That means you have to go again Wes. Sarah needs her babysitter.

27: I love living with people who cook. I think I need to take culinary classes so I can learn to enjoy the art of cooking, or not.

28: Running with my dog is better than going to the gym.

29: I wish I liked running more.

30: I’m so glad ’my twin’ and I managed to beat the transition out of work friendship bump. This girl will be in my life for many Beaver games to come.

31: Getting a new job saved my career in child welfare…I was about done in late May of last year and am so thankful that my new position came along.

Thanks again to all the monkeys who make my life big and bright. Stay tuned for birthday plans for Gwyn and I. We’ll be celebrating January 9th this year so save the date!

Appreciations...It May Not Be a Word, But I Don't Care

Today rubbed me the wrong way. I was going to vent about it, how it made me feel like I don’t do a good enough job keeping predators away from our kids, how all I could think about all day was this scumbag who will spend the next 40+ years of his pathetic life in jail now. But, it’s almost Thanksgiving, and, well, I should probably focus on something a little more positive now, shouldn’t I? Wait, can I end a sentence with I?

On Halloween night, I received the most genuine “thank you” I have probably received in years. It’s been a quite a tough year for one of my best friends, and we capped Halloween off with a celebration, or rather, as I see it, the end of the climb up a very steep hill where one finally reaches the amazing peak and decides to finally descend down the other side. At the end of the night, as we all walked to our separate cars, I was stopped with the hugest hug, a look square in the eyes, and a “Thank you…you know what for,” that really got to me. I get peppered with I love you’s and thanks from him all the time, but this one, I can’t explain. We kind of counseled each other all year, so, the thank you he gave me could have been lassoed back to him just as well.

So last night, I was talking to one of my beautiful girlfriends. She’s been on and off with a guy for years who doesn’t do her the justice of what she deserves. She knows this, so that is the only reason I am writing it here. And him, well, God I hope he figures it out sooner rather than later…otherwise, he’ll lose a good one.

Tonight, I went out to sushi with one of my very great girlfriends (who told me fabulous stories about the great guy who doesn’t take her for granted and I can’t wait to meet in real life by the way). I drove my car home that still smells like a new car (because it is), and climbed up the stairs to cookies baked by my future roomie, and now I’m on my laptop, writing this crap that may not tie together for anyone but me.

I’m celebrating Thanksgiving next week at my house with 20+ people. My life is not perfect, I’m not perfect, things aren’t always how I want them, but I realize I have it pretty damn good. It’s a common theme for me I suppose to rattle off how much I love my family, my friends, my beautiful and smart girlfriends, my ‘bodyguards’ who size up any guy I go on a date with and the guy friends who prove I deserve to be treated like the princess definition of my name, the roof over my head, the cush job, the nice car, all of it. I don’t say it enough maybe, but I am thankful for however this all ended up as my life.

So my final point, to tie this all together…I am hoping that everyone I know takes time to think about what you have instead of what you don’t have as we head into the holidays. Think about what you need to do to hold onto ‘it’ or ‘him’ or ‘her.’ We are a spoiled society, and things and people taken for granted typically fade, walk away, become of less value to you, or become a point of resentment rather than appreciation.

And, while you’re doing that, listen to Phoenix, Ooh La by The Kooks, Drug Induced by Limblifter, and Church Clothes by Matt Nathanson. Oh, and have a happy Thanksgiving too.

Ten Reasons I'm Always Taking Pictures

Besides being one of the most sentimental packrats this side of the US (yes, my friends and family are pretty awesome, as I mention from time to time), I've come up with a few other reasons that I am always blinding you with my flash bulb...

1) I need to remember you when you’re dead, likewise maybe you will remember me when I’m dead too. Ok, that’s cryptic. But, it’s nice to have pictures of the people I love who have passed on scattered around my house…it’s a reminder that they’re always with me, and also reminds me to never forget them.

2) Pictures made me find my dad again. The pics of my dad and I when I was a little kid made me realize something was off in all those stories my mom told me over the years about him being a monster…I always looked quite happy and ‘safe’ with the big 6’4” goofball…indeed, my intuition was correct and now I have the goofball, and his bad jokes, at my disposal any day of the week.

3) Reminders of what happened in Vegas, those crazy parties, and OSU football games where tailgating started too early.

4) Pictures make cheap decorations…and nothing is better than coming home to a bunch of your friends and family smiling at you from table tops and dressers.

5) Proof for my future children that Mommy embraced life on every level…just as they hopefully will too, when I decide to have these future children that is.

6) Validation when I go back and look at pics of ex-boyfriends and realize, “Wow, thank God I didn‘t marry that one!”

7) Validation when I go back and look at pics of ex-boyfriends and realize, “Ok, I get it right every now and then.”

8) Pictures make the best presents…I give them as gifts often.  Oh, and just in case you are wondering what to get me for holidays and my birthday.

9) I have to keep filling my ‘Favorite Photos of All Time” album with pics of the people I love…that album captures the absolute joys of my life.

10) For every ten crappy pictures I take, there is one true gem that will make me and others laugh and smile and remember the good times. So next time I am around, just sack up, smile, and say, “Cheese!” I promise to not shout out, "OMG, this is sooooo going on Facebook!"

A Harmless Thought Before Running Another 4 Miles...

Running with my dog past houses tonight that smell like fabric softener and dinner, thinking...someday I will truly, TRULY want that.  But for now, I just want flat abs for my Halloween costume, the freedom to stay out until 4 am on the weekends, and the ability to leave this town or state whenever I see fit.  But don't worry dad, I'll probably change my mind sooner rather than later...or at least I'll think about it :).  

Classy Man Awards for a Random Portland Weekend…

This weekend we saw the toast of fine men in the Portland area. I’ll share some stories of what‘s available out there for all you lovely ladies:

Honorable Mention: All the men at Space Room. From the dude who bought every girl with two legs a drink (thanks buddy)… to the random North Salem High Alum who looked at the ring on my right hand and then said, “Wait, which one is your wedding finger, are you married?”… to the guy who wouldn’t let me out of the booth at the next bar until I gave him my phone number… to the guy who had a girlfriend, but told me, “If I didn’t, DAMN!” Yea, that’s what he said and then he gave me a hug goodbye that totally creeped me out AND came to the next bar with us. Okay, he was actually nice, but, a 30 second hug for a girl you just met WHEN you already have a girlfriend…uh, too long. You all were somewhat cute and maybe just not so classy. Good job men. And Seth, your bar is fun!

Bronze Medal: My newly married friend Court recognizes a guy at Blitz Ladd on Saturday night. They piece together that he is the friend of a guy she dated (very briefly) almost five years ago. This guy introduces his girlfriend as his girlfriend, but then, apparently too drunk to remember, introduces her again as his future wife. The girl starts shrieking, “Oh my Godddddd, that’s the first time you’ve ever called me that!” and continues to be ecstatic. Guy asks Court if she still works at Victoria’s Secret, she says no…she hasn’t for YEARS. I walk up, he asks me if I work there. I say no. He states, “Well, you could be a Victoria's Secret model,” all the while making his hands air draw the hourglass shape of a girl. Creepy. Luckily Creepy’s girlfriend is down at the other end of the shuffleboard table. Then, creepy guy decides to call Court’s ’very brief ex beau’ on his cell phone to let him know we’re there. “Dude, guess who is standing next to me right now man!!!” I’m surprised he didn’t hand Court the phone. Classy, classy, classy.

Silver Medal: Same night, different man…this one a good friend of mine who has drunk texted me for four years and often lets me know how much “I f‘ing love you“ and “you rock Chait” via these text messages. How a guy can have a huge crush on a girl he still calls by her last name is foreign to me. Anyway. We arrive at Blitz not knowing he’s there, but he IS there with the Girl He Doesn’t Really Like but can’t figure out how to dump for good. I know this because we go out to eat once or twice a month and catch up on all the gossip in our lives. So, I am very careful not to do much more than say hello, even though he’s a good friend. Well, there’s two shuffleboard tables, and Good Friend and I end up on the same end. This doesn’t serve Girl He Doesn’t Really Like very well and she starts getting mad. Good friend and I create a pretend wall and don’t even look at each other while we’re talking. “Sorry you’re in the dog house bud,” I say while shooting a puck down the board. “Dude, it’s not your fault,” Good Friend says back. Well, Creepy Guy is still creeping Court out, I’m slowly starting to feel like The Other Woman as Girl He Doesn’t Really Like keeps getting angrier, though I have never done a thing to compromise their relationship, so we decide to leave. I get a text (or twenty, but who’s counting) about an hour later. “I got punched in the eye.” “Oh no, what happened,” I reply. “Told the GF I loved you and got punched.” “Bud, you may want to wait until sober to have such discussions and maybe go easy.” “Yeah, my bad. But the punch hurt.” Really, I love this guy (just not in that way) and hesitated to tell this story, but, come on buddy…you soooo deserved to get punched.

Gold Medal: Back to Space Room. There is a guy there in an argyle sweater that is way too short, pants with bunchy ankles, and Vans. I comment that his outfit is a little off…turns out the dude I am talking to is his buddy. “Oh, he just got back from Argentina, that’s why he’s dressed that way. He’s really cool though.” Umm, no…and here is proof: My girlfriend Gwyn recognizes him. So, she walks up to him and says, “You look really familiar. I think I know you from somewhere.” His reply…”Yeah, you look like my type. Did we f**k?!” She quickly realizes (maybe from the dumbass comment) who this idiot is…he was wasted downtown once and tried following our girlfriend into her condo and then tried making out with her. Some friends grabbed him and threw him out into a cab. Cooper, you are one lame ass Gold Medal winner.

Maybe next weekend will be better.

A Rant Round Up After the Glee...

Okay, okay, I’ll start with the good news before I get to my vent. The Beavers look promising this year, I still LOVE my job, I love pretty much everything about my life right now. And, well, that‘s about it. Nothing I’m about to vent about relates directly to me because well, I don’t have anything to complain about. Yeah, yeah, you can be happy too, I swear…just stop wasting time on things that don’t fulfill you, surround yourself with people you love, and, ok, I’ll shut up now…but do give me advice on where I should go this winter for a trip…warm and sunny only…and invite yourself along if you can afford a ticket…I’m not kidding.

Alright, on with the rant…

This newscaster on CNN right now has the worst haircut and the biggest teeth I’ve seen in a long time…and she’s yelling everything she says, as if I can‘t hear her. If you don’t believe me, her name is Jane Velez-Mitchell. Try to watch for five minutes. She looks a little like Sonic the Hedgehog. Way to glorify abductions and child abuse too little lady.

Please take a cab, drunk bus, or have a designated driver this football and Oktoberfest season…as the Sonic the Hedgehog chick on CNN just yelled…“When you drive drunk, you are ALWAYS potentially a murderer.” Ok, maybe you’re not so bad Jane…I’m sorry for saying you have a bad haircut.

A message to diehard conservatives AND diehard liberals…listen to the many sides of every story, situation, and political issue before making baseless comments or jumping to conclusions. It’s absolutely okay to sway on issues, think for yourself, and not believe everything your political party believes or endorses. I promise the conservatives you won’t go to hell for thinking about something liberally. And I promise the liberals it’s okay to believe in God and have moments of conservative expectations for the world. Congratulations to those of you who already know this. If you don’t yet, work on it.

What’s with politicians and affairs? What’s with affairs period? If you don’t want to love and be faithful to the person you married, divorce them. You suck cheaters. Even you John Edwards…and to think I may have voted for you back in the day. Moral incompetence…life isn’t a soap opera. And nice ‘storytelling’ Duvall…way to ban gay relationships but then go screw around on your own wife…nice family values…you idiot.

Jon and Kate media mongrels…shut up! Kate was evil, Jon was a philanderer…as a radio show down here in Eugene said today…they’re both the scum of the earth…leave it at that and make them focus on their kids.

Every child I meet in foster care reminds me of the amazing resilience of kids in this world. I wish we didn’t have abuse, abductions, and murders. Children, adults, and families just don’t deserve to go through any of this. As always, those of us who work in social service would gladly celebrate the day our jobs are not needed anymore…I only wish there was a chance that could happen.

Song round up time: Only You Can Love Me This Way by Keith Urban, The Heart of Life by John Mayer, One Day by Matisyahu. And oh, I like Lady Gaga…I can’t help it…that stuff is dance worthy.

Some Music For Everyone…

I have always greatly disliked when people say “I like anything but country,” or “I’m fine with anything, but if you play rap, I‘ll break your iPod.” Music is music and a great song can come from any genre. I truly like most every type of music (except maybe Death Metal…unless Gwar counts). Be it the one good gift of my bizarre mother who threw the tunes down on us and let us listen to anything when we were little (my first concert was Poison and Alice in Chains at age twelve…shh, that‘s not bragging…yikes), or the pre college program I was in where I was one of a few white kids and we had hiphop dance parties in the basement and volleyball court at night, or my ‘favorite dad‘ who played Zydeco, blues, and classic rock all the time, or my damn sister who played the soundtrack to EVERY musical known to man over and over and over...I feel fortunate to have ears that like everything.

So, I compiled a list of some good stuff that’s in my play list lately…trying to make a handful of you happy…

For those who love country songs that make you cry or are required to play a country ballad at your wedding…Then by Brad Paisley.

For those who only listen to the song that ‘nobody else’ is listening to and only list bands on your Facebook page that are “sooooo cutting edge“…go f**k yourself and find that song and then rave about how it’s so totally awesome and how you discovered how cool they are…I have no time to find ‘that’ song.

For those who want to go dancing with me next weekend…Turnin Me On by Keri Hilson. You can ignore the Lil Wayne part…new proud future daddy to not one, but TWO baby mamas…when will he fade out?!

For those of you who are missing your ‘favorite dad’ and Robin anytime Tom Petty plays (ok, this one will really just be me)…Scare Easy by Mudcrutch…this is Tom Petty’s little band of goodness.

For those who find all your favorite music in the 15 second blurb they play in emotional moments of movies and TV shows…Friends and Family by Trik Turner (from Mr. Deeds…a crappy movie, but I digress…the song is great). And remember Rogue Wave and William Fitzsimmons too…they’re sneaking onto soundtracks and shows near you!

For those of you who think that Christian music is only by Christian artists on The Fish…Stand by Rascal Flatts, Pass Me Over by Anthony Hamilton, or ANYTHING by Guster…so many bands sing about religion all the time, so it kind of annoys me when people slam Christian artists…okay, I don’t really listen to too many, but, don’t just slam a genre because you want to sound all detached from anything relating to religion…you’ll miss some good songs.

For those of you who feel like you are on the path to feeling better…Fine Again by Anthony Hamilton.

For those who like little ensemble songs…Knock You Down by Keri Hilson, my future husband Ne-Yo, and Kanye West…just get the CD version and not the radio edit.

For those of you who want to lose brain cells…Party in the U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus…seriously, WHO SIGNED THIS CRAP?! This is a horrible song! And the pole dance being ok’ed by dad at that awards show?…really Billy, really?!

For people who love a little someone...it reminds me of my niece and dancing with her...Forever by Vertical Horizon.

For those who like cool songs, I can’t explain it any other way…Believe by The Bravery or Ruby by the Kaiser Chiefs.

For those of you who are missing everyone right now because you’re working all the time or tied up in millions of summer obligations (raise my hand!)…From Where You Are by Lifehouse…it will make you think about anyone who has died too though, so be careful!

And, finally, for those of you who are tired of reading this and want to go to bed…Singing In my Sleep by Semisonic. It’s old, but I like it.

There, I feel better. Have a good week or month or whenever I get back to writing another one of these.

The Lefty Quote Post

I’m left handed. This is nothing incredibly original, but for Christmas, Lexy, Ben, and Taylor gave me a left handed daily calendar with facts about left handed people and quotes from left handed people. My brain is on overload, so I figured tonight would be a great night to share some of my favorite quotes from left handed people.

And, if anyone wants to have a DO NOTHING weekend with me starting August 21st, feel free to join…summer has been busy and it’s the first weekend in months where I don’t have some type of birthday, wedding, or other event planned, or an event that trumps another event, or anything really. So I plan to DO NOTHING that entire weekend…wait, if I want to do nothing, I shouldn’t be telling anyone unless they want to sit and watch movies on our projector all weekend….I kind of hope it rains all that weekend.

And here goes with some quotes from The Left-Hander’s Calendar…I mean, we are some smart people being that we can write with the wrong hand and all. And apparently, we are better at detecting deception than right handed people too, so always tell me the truth, otherwise I might get you…

“Find something you love, and go after it, with all your heart.” ~Jim Abbott

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” ~Thomas Edison

“We can do anything we want if we stick to it long enough.” ~Helen Keller

“Everything depends on how relentlessly one forces from experience the last drop, sweet or bitter, it can possibly give.” ~James Baldwin

“A great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up.” ~Albert Schweitzer

“Don’t be afraid to see what you see.” ~Ronald Reagan (see, I don’t totally despise everything Republican)

“We do not own this place, we are just passengers.” ~Robert Redford

And, that’s all. I’m currently a fan of Keri Hilson and think you should go listen to her. I am currently not a fan of my car hitting 5000 miles after less than three months, but, my little baby commute is still fantastic and it will start to balance out over the rest of the year. And honestly, this heat isn’t bothering me much since I have the luxury of living in an air conditioned house…just remember to check on your older neighbors this week to make sure they are alright in the heat.

Begging Tater

Taylor loves food. Most 11 month old babies probably do, but, this girl is persistent...she can already say banana, she zeroes in on anyone with anything edible (if she doesn't already have some) and bats her pretty eyelashes (or more appropriately I suppose...makes puppy dog eyes) until she gets what she wants. My stepmom just told the story of her at the airport this past week...she'd make contact with anyone eating, and walk right up to them and do exactly what she's doing in the picture above...minus the four legged competition...and people would cave and hand her food. The kid even says 'Anen' before prayer is over because she gets so excited about food following an 'Amen.' So far, the kid is a tall and slender eating machine, much like her crew of aunties and uncles.

These two pics will serve as good ammo for embarrassing her for many years to come...

I can't believe I only have two more weeks with this little girl until she's mostly gone for three years. Good thing Arizona and Oregon are pretty close...

The Almost Summer Post

I'm starting my new job in the morning, ready for the real summer to kick in, and loving life (as usual). Not much to report at the moment really, but, I'm never one to leave my opinions at the door now am I?

Four miles: That's my new commute starting Monday morning...the shortest commute I have ever had for a job. This translates into about 2900 miles a year of driving for work...that's what I have typically been doing in about six weeks. Eight hours of my life back, a chance to workout in the morning, lunch at home when I want to, a view of Mt. Hood from my building...I'm excited. Maybe I should add in here though that I'm very thankful for the friendships that came out of my Salem DHS experience and I'm not about to let you guys fade away. Just pray for me that everyone at the new office is okay with having 'the loud one' move in.

See this: The Hangover...it's made over $100 million for a reason...it's hilarious. Fellow Child Welfare friends will have a hard time looking past the baby issues...but, you'll get over it.

Don't go see this: Orphan...kids who need adopted have it hard enough as it is. This little 'Esther' character is wrong, wrong, wrong and will kill the adoption rate in the United States, at least for a little while. Yeah, I'd like to think I'm joking, but, I'm serious. Esther's just no Little Orphan Annie.

Favorite new artist from Pandora: Jose Gonzalez...typical 'Sarah' music, but I'm incredibly fascinated by his voice at the moment, so, let me love it :).

Disturbing: The Naked Bike Ride through downtown Portland. I kind of forgot this was occurring Saturday night, and got stuck in the middle of it...literally. 1000 naked/mostly naked people on bikes...there are no words to explain this experience, really, and not in a good way.

Addictions: I'm currently struggling with addictions to Slurpees and Frosters, Tillamook Teriyaki Beef Sticks, McDonald's mochas and Starbucks Chai Tea Lattes, Circus Animal Cookies, Spaghettios with meatballs, and thankfully to balance all that crap out...running. So, by the end of the summer, I will probably still be 10 pounds lighter...because if I run too much, I disappear, even when I eat like this. Yay cracked out metabolism! Thanks dad's genes...because of them, I can take many nights off from pounding the pavement.

Kyle: First of my six siblings I have ever seen graduate from high school. I almost cried a few times just because it was such a cool experience, but also because it was kind of sad knowing a few of the family members are leaving the NW soon and we won't be travelling in our usual loud pack everywhere...please remind me that frequent flier miles are better than uprooting and following the sibs this time around...not that it wasn't fun when I graduated from college, but, taze me if I try to move!!!

And since I will have more time on my hands, I figured that I should start reading books again. Send me some suggestions so I don't end up subscribing to too many girly magazines that suggest $550 shoes and challenging high maintenance men are in my budget...because as we know...neither are.

Songs of the moment...The Last High by The Dandy Warhols and anything by Sufjan Stevens...I always forget about them until I hear one song, and then I remember why everyone should love them.

Onward with the new job!

Sorry, But Life Could Be a Nickelback Song

I always feel like I need to explain myself when I am home writing on a Saturday night. So, for once, I won’t…and I will just say I am content, slightly sunburnt, and really ready to go to sleep…so this will be all over the place, and probably end with no real closure, as usual.

At least there will be a doctor in the family when they come back…I’m bummed. Okay, I‘m actually happy for them, but, my little sister Lexy, niece, and brother in law are moving away for a few years so Ben can go to med school in Arizona. Last time a baby relative of mine moved away, I ended up leaving the state for 4 years, so someone tie me down so I don’t follow this time. I wish them luck, but, I’m still probably going to try to kidnap Taylor before they leave. I’m expecting to spend many a long winter weekend in Arizona starting next year. You can come along if you’d like…sun in the winter, yes please!

Shocking Offer: I scored a new job. Pretty exciting stuff. No more commuting, no more caseload, no more Salem…but still with the same state agency, so everything carries over like vacation, benefits, etc. I listened to the job offer message three times to make sure my new boss actually said my name, and I am still slightly in shock that I got it. I can’t lie…I was literally jumping up and down for about three hours the morning I found out…and then Thomas took me out for Starbucks to celebrate, so I pretty much shook the rest of the day from the shock and overdose on caffeine. I feel kind of blessed as direct case work was starting to get the best of my heart, head, and energy. I’ll miss my kids and the many awesome people I work with for sure, but, this is an exciting new opportunity, and I am thrilled to be a part of it. It’s a pilot project for at least one year where I will be assessing ALL kids in foster care in my region for the payment rate redesign. I start June 8th.

Vroom: I decided to get myself a brand new little Rav-4 a couple weeks ago after mulling it over for almost six months…Bailey friendly so we can go everywhere together again. Normal cars weren’t meant for me. You can’t load tons of crap in them, camp or sleep in them, or carry a 90 pound dog around with you. Plus, the car had some baggage to it that I just wanted to let go of…and now, the baggage, and the car, are long gone. It’s black, gets better gas mileage than my last car, and it already has its OSU sticker and license plate cover on the back. I’ll take you somewhere in it one day (except you dad, because you don’t like when other people drive I hear).

Holla to Mt Hood Softball! Who has the MVP of the NWAACC tournament in her family?! I do!!! Mt. Hood’s college softball team scored their first championship, carried by none other than my own little sister, Miss Lauren Hadenfeld. She was amazing, and I (like the rest of our crazy family) am extremely proud of her.

Sun Kil Moon: Finally got to see these guys in concert. Simply amazing! I am marrying Mark Kozelek’s voice. Not him, just his voice. It should be an interesting union.

A Little Thing: Some know that I always, ALWAYS carry food in my car (because, despite my slender appearance, I eat, constantly). Lately, I have realized that some need this food more than I do. Every time I pass the place where my family unloaded 50 lunches in three minutes on Christmas Day, I think about how many people don’t have food, money, anything. So, I rolled down my window the other day and handed off a granola bar to a homeless guy. He looked at it, then looked at me, and said thank you. I liked that. I’m going to carry a box or two in my car at all times now. It’s a little thing, but still.

Good Times: It’s mentioned in numerous books, theories, and songs, but, I’m truly convinced that good stuff happens when you are thinking good and doing good. Sure, there are setbacks, life’s imperfections, unavoidable tragedies, and those days where you just want to hole up and go to sleep, but, overall, if you think it, you can probably achieve it, or change the bad…to some degree at least. Walk the walk you want others around you to walk, do the things that would make whoever you think is watching proud, think about how to make your life better everyday. Not to say you can’t have some Jello Shots and lie about getting married on occasion, or decide to skip church because you saw Angels and Demons two nights before, or just have a pissy day now and then…but…don’t shoot me for comparing life to a Nickelback song…listen to If Today Was Your Last Day. How Nickelback can spin a tune that makes me think is beyond me, but, on occasion, Top 40 gets the best of me. As the guys with bad hair say…“Each day’s a gift and not a given right.” I just know that I’m loved, blessed, and surrounded by the most amazing people, all the time. I love that. Now, if any of them can find me someone to marry or offer themselves up for me to marry, life would be just about flawless. I’m not kidding…really!

Songs of the moment…Maybe Be Alright by William Fitzsimmons, Single by Ne-Yo, Up in Here by DMX (I like to dance to it) and Blinded by the Light by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band…Megan, you may need to move to my new branch so we can continue to be twins born 6 years apart...HIIIII TUNNEL!!!

The Blessing and Fault

I heard from someone you're still pretty, and then, they went on to say that the Pearly Gates have such eloquent graffiti like: “We'll meet again” and “Fuck the Man” and “Tell my mother not to worry”…

The above doesn’t necessarily tie into anything I’m about to write, nor did I write it…but, I like it and thought it was worth seeing. So, now it’s on with the show…

I haven’t been sleeping very well for a couple weeks now. I have some obvious ideas about why this is, but won’t mention them, and I can actually identify times when I sleep better. I just know my mind refuses to turn off most nights.

I don’t like when people are hurting, especially people close to me, but also people I barely know. Who does really? Sometimes I wonder I guess, but for me, this has been both a blessing and a fault of mine for years. I just wish that I could instantly ’fix’ certain things for certain people so that they are happier, healthier, and ’wholer’ as if that’s a word. Why isn’t ’wholer’ a word anyway? I like how it sounds. I’m submitting it to the dictionary Gods.

I just wrote a lot and decided to erase it. I’ll replace it with this…at church on Sunday, the pastor mentioned that we are not the policemen of the world and to focus your ‘love’ on the people you truly care about, then let the others figure it out for themselves.

Maybe it’s the line of work I have done for nine years, but that’s hard for me to grasp. And I know he didn’t mean to turn yourself into a thoughtless person when interacting with people who aren’t close to you…but, I focus on strangers all the time in my work, hoping to mold them into ‘better’ people. I love it at times, and other times I just feel like a nagging bitch because they don‘t listen. Meanwhile, people very close to me could definitely use the energy I am expending on people who don’t want to hear it right now. So, maybe I will work on my approach so that I am mentally ready to be there for the ones I truly want to be there for.

Alright, the root of this personality appraisal of myself…I have been thinking that going back to school to become a counselor of some type is in my future. Maybe FAR future, but, what I’m doing right now seems more like grand maintenance of chaos…it’s just not exactly what I love about social work. I’m thinking school, crisis, grief, something in those categories. My job is getting to me, and while I know I’m passionate about what I do…I just don’t have enough time to do the part I truly love because of all the paperwork, policy, and procedure. I’m getting jaded, and I feel it getting worse rather than better.

Anyway, lyrics at the top of this are from The Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine. The whole song is fabulous and also says…so please remember me, mistakenly in the window of the tallest tower, call, then pass us by, but much too high to see the empty road at happy hour gleam and resonate just like the gates around the Holy Kingdom with words like: “lost and found" and "don't look down" and “someone save temptation”

Another good quote: Death ends a life, not a relationship. I saw that yesterday and thought how true it is of everyone I’ve never wanted to forget…and never will.