I always feel like I need to explain myself when I am home writing on a Saturday night. So, for once, I won’t…and I will just say I am content, slightly sunburnt, and really ready to go to sleep…so this will be all over the place, and probably end with no real closure, as usual.
At least there will be a doctor in the family when they come back…I’m bummed. Okay, I‘m actually happy for them, but, my little sister Lexy, niece, and brother in law are moving away for a few years so Ben can go to med school in Arizona. Last time a baby relative of mine moved away, I ended up leaving the state for 4 years, so someone tie me down so I don’t follow this time. I wish them luck, but, I’m still probably going to try to kidnap Taylor before they leave. I’m expecting to spend many a long winter weekend in Arizona starting next year. You can come along if you’d like…sun in the winter, yes please!
Shocking Offer: I scored a new job. Pretty exciting stuff. No more commuting, no more caseload, no more Salem…but still with the same state agency, so everything carries over like vacation, benefits, etc. I listened to the job offer message three times to make sure my new boss actually said my name, and I am still slightly in shock that I got it. I can’t lie…I was literally jumping up and down for about three hours the morning I found out…and then Thomas took me out for Starbucks to celebrate, so I pretty much shook the rest of the day from the shock and overdose on caffeine. I feel kind of blessed as direct case work was starting to get the best of my heart, head, and energy. I’ll miss my kids and the many awesome people I work with for sure, but, this is an exciting new opportunity, and I am thrilled to be a part of it. It’s a pilot project for at least one year where I will be assessing ALL kids in foster care in my region for the payment rate redesign. I start June 8th.
Vroom: I decided to get myself a brand new little Rav-4 a couple weeks ago after mulling it over for almost six months…Bailey friendly so we can go everywhere together again. Normal cars weren’t meant for me. You can’t load tons of crap in them, camp or sleep in them, or carry a 90 pound dog around with you. Plus, the car had some baggage to it that I just wanted to let go of…and now, the baggage, and the car, are long gone. It’s black, gets better gas mileage than my last car, and it already has its OSU sticker and license plate cover on the back. I’ll take you somewhere in it one day (except you dad, because you don’t like when other people drive I hear).
Holla to Mt Hood Softball! Who has the MVP of the NWAACC tournament in her family?! I do!!! Mt. Hood’s college softball team scored their first championship, carried by none other than my own little sister, Miss Lauren Hadenfeld. She was amazing, and I (like the rest of our crazy family) am extremely proud of her.
Sun Kil Moon: Finally got to see these guys in concert. Simply amazing! I am marrying Mark Kozelek’s voice. Not him, just his voice. It should be an interesting union.
A Little Thing: Some know that I always, ALWAYS carry food in my car (because, despite my slender appearance, I eat, constantly). Lately, I have realized that some need this food more than I do. Every time I pass the place where my family unloaded 50 lunches in three minutes on Christmas Day, I think about how many people don’t have food, money, anything. So, I rolled down my window the other day and handed off a granola bar to a homeless guy. He looked at it, then looked at me, and said thank you. I liked that. I’m going to carry a box or two in my car at all times now. It’s a little thing, but still.
Good Times: It’s mentioned in numerous books, theories, and songs, but, I’m truly convinced that good stuff happens when you are thinking good and doing good. Sure, there are setbacks, life’s imperfections, unavoidable tragedies, and those days where you just want to hole up and go to sleep, but, overall, if you think it, you can probably achieve it, or change the bad…to some degree at least. Walk the walk you want others around you to walk, do the things that would make whoever you think is watching proud, think about how to make your life better everyday. Not to say you can’t have some Jello Shots and lie about getting married on occasion, or decide to skip church because you saw Angels and Demons two nights before, or just have a pissy day now and then…but…don’t shoot me for comparing life to a Nickelback song…listen to If Today Was Your Last Day. How Nickelback can spin a tune that makes me think is beyond me, but, on occasion, Top 40 gets the best of me. As the guys with bad hair say…“Each day’s a gift and not a given right.” I just know that I’m loved, blessed, and surrounded by the most amazing people, all the time. I love that. Now, if any of them can find me someone to marry or offer themselves up for me to marry, life would be just about flawless. I’m not kidding…really!
Songs of the moment…Maybe Be Alright by William Fitzsimmons, Single by Ne-Yo, Up in Here by DMX (I like to dance to it) and Blinded by the Light by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band…Megan, you may need to move to my new branch so we can continue to be twins born 6 years apart...HIIIII TUNNEL!!!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Friday, May 08, 2009
The Blessing and Fault
I heard from someone you're still pretty, and then, they went on to say that the Pearly Gates have such eloquent graffiti like: “We'll meet again” and “Fuck the Man” and “Tell my mother not to worry”…
The above doesn’t necessarily tie into anything I’m about to write, nor did I write it…but, I like it and thought it was worth seeing. So, now it’s on with the show…
I haven’t been sleeping very well for a couple weeks now. I have some obvious ideas about why this is, but won’t mention them, and I can actually identify times when I sleep better. I just know my mind refuses to turn off most nights.
I don’t like when people are hurting, especially people close to me, but also people I barely know. Who does really? Sometimes I wonder I guess, but for me, this has been both a blessing and a fault of mine for years. I just wish that I could instantly ’fix’ certain things for certain people so that they are happier, healthier, and ’wholer’ as if that’s a word. Why isn’t ’wholer’ a word anyway? I like how it sounds. I’m submitting it to the dictionary Gods.
I just wrote a lot and decided to erase it. I’ll replace it with this…at church on Sunday, the pastor mentioned that we are not the policemen of the world and to focus your ‘love’ on the people you truly care about, then let the others figure it out for themselves.
Maybe it’s the line of work I have done for nine years, but that’s hard for me to grasp. And I know he didn’t mean to turn yourself into a thoughtless person when interacting with people who aren’t close to you…but, I focus on strangers all the time in my work, hoping to mold them into ‘better’ people. I love it at times, and other times I just feel like a nagging bitch because they don‘t listen. Meanwhile, people very close to me could definitely use the energy I am expending on people who don’t want to hear it right now. So, maybe I will work on my approach so that I am mentally ready to be there for the ones I truly want to be there for.
Alright, the root of this personality appraisal of myself…I have been thinking that going back to school to become a counselor of some type is in my future. Maybe FAR future, but, what I’m doing right now seems more like grand maintenance of chaos…it’s just not exactly what I love about social work. I’m thinking school, crisis, grief, something in those categories. My job is getting to me, and while I know I’m passionate about what I do…I just don’t have enough time to do the part I truly love because of all the paperwork, policy, and procedure. I’m getting jaded, and I feel it getting worse rather than better.
Anyway, lyrics at the top of this are from The Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine. The whole song is fabulous and also says…so please remember me, mistakenly in the window of the tallest tower, call, then pass us by, but much too high to see the empty road at happy hour gleam and resonate just like the gates around the Holy Kingdom with words like: “lost and found" and "don't look down" and “someone save temptation”
Another good quote: Death ends a life, not a relationship. I saw that yesterday and thought how true it is of everyone I’ve never wanted to forget…and never will.
The above doesn’t necessarily tie into anything I’m about to write, nor did I write it…but, I like it and thought it was worth seeing. So, now it’s on with the show…
I haven’t been sleeping very well for a couple weeks now. I have some obvious ideas about why this is, but won’t mention them, and I can actually identify times when I sleep better. I just know my mind refuses to turn off most nights.
I don’t like when people are hurting, especially people close to me, but also people I barely know. Who does really? Sometimes I wonder I guess, but for me, this has been both a blessing and a fault of mine for years. I just wish that I could instantly ’fix’ certain things for certain people so that they are happier, healthier, and ’wholer’ as if that’s a word. Why isn’t ’wholer’ a word anyway? I like how it sounds. I’m submitting it to the dictionary Gods.
I just wrote a lot and decided to erase it. I’ll replace it with this…at church on Sunday, the pastor mentioned that we are not the policemen of the world and to focus your ‘love’ on the people you truly care about, then let the others figure it out for themselves.
Maybe it’s the line of work I have done for nine years, but that’s hard for me to grasp. And I know he didn’t mean to turn yourself into a thoughtless person when interacting with people who aren’t close to you…but, I focus on strangers all the time in my work, hoping to mold them into ‘better’ people. I love it at times, and other times I just feel like a nagging bitch because they don‘t listen. Meanwhile, people very close to me could definitely use the energy I am expending on people who don’t want to hear it right now. So, maybe I will work on my approach so that I am mentally ready to be there for the ones I truly want to be there for.
Alright, the root of this personality appraisal of myself…I have been thinking that going back to school to become a counselor of some type is in my future. Maybe FAR future, but, what I’m doing right now seems more like grand maintenance of chaos…it’s just not exactly what I love about social work. I’m thinking school, crisis, grief, something in those categories. My job is getting to me, and while I know I’m passionate about what I do…I just don’t have enough time to do the part I truly love because of all the paperwork, policy, and procedure. I’m getting jaded, and I feel it getting worse rather than better.
Anyway, lyrics at the top of this are from The Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine. The whole song is fabulous and also says…so please remember me, mistakenly in the window of the tallest tower, call, then pass us by, but much too high to see the empty road at happy hour gleam and resonate just like the gates around the Holy Kingdom with words like: “lost and found" and "don't look down" and “someone save temptation”
Another good quote: Death ends a life, not a relationship. I saw that yesterday and thought how true it is of everyone I’ve never wanted to forget…and never will.
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