The Blessing and Fault

I heard from someone you're still pretty, and then, they went on to say that the Pearly Gates have such eloquent graffiti like: “We'll meet again” and “Fuck the Man” and “Tell my mother not to worry”…

The above doesn’t necessarily tie into anything I’m about to write, nor did I write it…but, I like it and thought it was worth seeing. So, now it’s on with the show…

I haven’t been sleeping very well for a couple weeks now. I have some obvious ideas about why this is, but won’t mention them, and I can actually identify times when I sleep better. I just know my mind refuses to turn off most nights.

I don’t like when people are hurting, especially people close to me, but also people I barely know. Who does really? Sometimes I wonder I guess, but for me, this has been both a blessing and a fault of mine for years. I just wish that I could instantly ’fix’ certain things for certain people so that they are happier, healthier, and ’wholer’ as if that’s a word. Why isn’t ’wholer’ a word anyway? I like how it sounds. I’m submitting it to the dictionary Gods.

I just wrote a lot and decided to erase it. I’ll replace it with this…at church on Sunday, the pastor mentioned that we are not the policemen of the world and to focus your ‘love’ on the people you truly care about, then let the others figure it out for themselves.

Maybe it’s the line of work I have done for nine years, but that’s hard for me to grasp. And I know he didn’t mean to turn yourself into a thoughtless person when interacting with people who aren’t close to you…but, I focus on strangers all the time in my work, hoping to mold them into ‘better’ people. I love it at times, and other times I just feel like a nagging bitch because they don‘t listen. Meanwhile, people very close to me could definitely use the energy I am expending on people who don’t want to hear it right now. So, maybe I will work on my approach so that I am mentally ready to be there for the ones I truly want to be there for.

Alright, the root of this personality appraisal of myself…I have been thinking that going back to school to become a counselor of some type is in my future. Maybe FAR future, but, what I’m doing right now seems more like grand maintenance of chaos…it’s just not exactly what I love about social work. I’m thinking school, crisis, grief, something in those categories. My job is getting to me, and while I know I’m passionate about what I do…I just don’t have enough time to do the part I truly love because of all the paperwork, policy, and procedure. I’m getting jaded, and I feel it getting worse rather than better.

Anyway, lyrics at the top of this are from The Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine. The whole song is fabulous and also says…so please remember me, mistakenly in the window of the tallest tower, call, then pass us by, but much too high to see the empty road at happy hour gleam and resonate just like the gates around the Holy Kingdom with words like: “lost and found" and "don't look down" and “someone save temptation”

Another good quote: Death ends a life, not a relationship. I saw that yesterday and thought how true it is of everyone I’ve never wanted to forget…and never will.