Don't Ever Be 'That Guy'

So, Saturday evening started off like any other summer weekend night in Portland...with plans for a busy funfilled night. My buddy Ryan and I had been planning to meet up sometime over the weekend, so I called him up to see if he wanted to come along to some get togethers I was invited to. "Sure, but can 'That Guy' come?" I agreed because Ryan's pretty cool, and he said I had met 'That Guy' before, and would recognize him when I saw him again.

So, let's preface...'That Guy' is what I will refer to 'That Guy' as the entire post, because though he has a name, he was truly only earning of the name 'That Guy' for the antics we ended up having to put up with on Saturday. Hmm, maybe 'TG' would be even easier. And keep in mind, Sarah is the sober designated driver to get togethers that both happen to be in Gresham, which is quite far from downtown, so I am stuck with whatever happens, all night.

I pick up my friend Jon and then head downtown to get Ryan and TG. I drop Jon off at Whole Foods because he hasn't eaten all day and I think he may kill someone soon, and then I go to pick up Ryan and TG. When they walk out, I do recognize TG and think, okay, I know him, he's decent...stares a little too long at people, but decent.

TG tries to get in the front seat and I tell him it's reserved for Jon who is a lot taller than him. No problem, climbs in back...and then I notice...the open beer can! "Oh hell no," I say, "What are you doing? Get that out of my car!" TG actually argues until I say, "Then get out," and then opens the door and sets the beer can on the ground right outside my back passenger door. "No, get out and throw that out, don't leave it in the street!" TG complies. I forgive this antic because I think they've been out for a while already, and, it's just one stupid thing right? Oh, wait.

Remarkably, the first get together goes fine. TG wanders off, eats some food, plays some beer pong with the drinkers, watches part of the UFC fight, is quiet. When it's time to move onto the next one, he grabs his coat and quietly gets in the car. None of my old college friends wanted to kill him. Good deal.

Then in the car, he starts up. He climbs in the front seat because Jon stays at the first get together. Only inches away now, TG starts talking, a lot. Questions include, "What do you like to do," and then,"So, are you single?" after he finds out what I like to do. "Dude, hello, not interested," I reply.

On to party two. We get out of the car and TG jumps on Ryan's back, shouting and demanding a piggy back ride. Are you kidding me? Then, he gets off Ryan's back and says "Now you!" to Ryan, who jumps on his back. What the hell is this?! We make it into the housewarming party and TG manages to spill red wine on the carpet within ten minutes of arrival, even after I told him, "Dude, quit swaying your cup of RED WINE back and forth...you're gonna spill it." The host of the party luckily has some amazing carpet cleaner and the red wine is out in minutes.

Ryan's had a bad cold all day and quietly moves about from a spot in the garage to chill out and watch the band, to a chair by the fire, to the couch in the living room. Nice work Ryan. Meanwhile, here is the list of everything else that TG managed to do, in no particular order...

1) Steals mike when the lead singer is taking a break, two or three times, and sings songs
2) Falls over and hits head on the bar
3) Disappears around the corner of the garage leaning over, clearly throwing up...then completely denies it
4) Starts touching everyone, male and female...keeps walking by me and touches my side every time, so I find all my good guy friends and hang on them
5) Starts getting referred to as 'business casual guy' and 'the guy who is creeping everyone out'

And here, is my absolute favorite...

6) Bonds with some other 'That Guy' at the party. All of us outside hear loud yelling and laughter through the kitchen window. We look over and see TG and other 'That Guy' standing over the sink, high fiving, hitting one another, and mashing together raw cookie dough and peanut butter M&M's with their bare hands. They managed to find a cookie sheet, heat up the oven, and BAKE SOME COOKIES! All the while, slamming into one another like the UFC fight we'd just watched at the other party. Am I seriously watching this?

Okaaaaay, this is out of control, time to go I decide. 'That Guy' and TG are extremely sad to part and hug quite a few times until I finally say, "Dude, you can totally stay here," meanwhile thinking, 'Dude, please totally stay here so I don't have to take you with me.'

Back to the other get together to pick up Jon. On the way, TG somehow scores the front seat again and decides that I look tense. "You need a neck rub," he says as he starts rubbing my neck. "No, I'm fine," I reply. But he keeps at it, demanding that he's so great at neck rubs and I really need one, until I finally yell, "Dude, DO NOT touch me!" He stops, looks me in the eye with a frown and says, "Aww, you're ruining my game girl!" I reply, "What game? No one is interested in you!"

Wait, we're not done. We get back to the first house and head in. It's super quiet, clearly winding down, but TG hits the back porch and manages to find more alcohol. Beer bottle isn't a twisty top, so TG decides to use the edge of the Ping Pong table to open it. Ping Pong table slams up and down, TG falls six feet backward. Another, "What the hell?" is directed his way by me. Thank God my friend who owns the house didn't see it because he'd probably pick him up and fling him across his yard. We need to go, now.

I round up all three boys, but of course, TG finds a skateboard on the steep driveway and decides to ride it down, tripping over a garden hose, hitting cars along the way. "Get off that ****ing skateboard," I yell. He doesn't. I yell again. He does. I yell to put it back. He puts it behind the wheel of a car. I yell to put it back on the porch. The idiot actually listens. I haven't yelled this much in months.

Okay, we're in the car. Safe and on the way home. Then, I hear a crash. Another "What the hell?!" from me, a "What?" from TG. He'd managed to bring a beer bottle in the car and was tossing it out the window. I'm livid, and then, he does it AGAIN! I almost pull over and kick his ass out, but we are far from downtown and it's too late for public transit. I warn him he is on his deathbed and to not move or he walks. He starts trying to give Jon, who's in the front seat, a neck rub. I tell him to stop. He listens. He gets on his phone and starts shopping for another party. We pull up in front of Ryan's condo and TG offers to bring us all up to a new party of the 12th floor. No thanks, I'm ready to embrace some silence!

The next day I get two texts from Ryan..."Thanks for putting up with us last night" and..."That Guy" apologizes for being a dumbass by the way...I owe you..."

Ryan, you have no idea!