On Men...

Enjoy this post, because it will be the ONLY post on relationships for many months to come. I've been on such a roll avoiding the topic, but figured it's worth it to just lay it out for now. So, here you go...

On men...which I rarely mention, but here you go...I have a lot of female friends, but many of my best friends are male too. I may have even dated them at some point in my life. Never make me 'break up' with any of them if you want to date me, and we're good. I'm at a wimpout stage in my life too and pretty content just getting to know men as friends first, so if you have any interest in me whatsoever, you'll probably have to make it loud and clear. Such a copout, but I just don't feel any rush to stress about it right now.

So, I just left this description on my Facebook. Not that anyone other than friends can see it because it's set to private, but I am wondering if I will erase it eventually. For now, it makes me laugh.

I really don't write about relationships anymore. Justin gets mentioned from time to time in a 'let that be a lesson to me to never do that again' way, but maybe that's not even fair to him to dig up 'our' old dirt anymore. Truth be told, the relationship had it's good times between all the shit...okay, but there was a lot of shit and it really wasn't healthy to be in it, at all. I just wasn't much of a Barbie doll, and if you know me, it'll just never be. Sure, I get called 'beautiful' at times, but I know that despite being a size 2-4, I'm taller than the average girl, louder than many, and extremely unafraid to voice my opinion...it's all stuff I don't want to change though, ever.

I'm also a low to high maintenance girl...I love to get dirty and throw myself into projects and activities, but I also love my hair straightener, dresses and makeup collection. It's a tough sell sometimes. As one of my best friends said one night when we were having another 'should we ever date' moment..."Sarah, you need a construction worker, someone who is big." I replied that I value brains more than braun. Though, I can't lie...I like the stockier, arms wrapped around you guys...as I used to say...the ones who can pick me up and spin me around with no problem.

Oh, and on this best friend, the conclusion for he and I was decidedly no. If you know 'us,' we make amazing friends to the point of confusing and annoying people as to what the hell we 'get' and no one else does...it's good to know we have what we have and that no one can mess with that...come hell or high water, no one has ever been able to bust us up...maybe because we share the same brain at times. I love it. I love him. Just not in that way, so stand down.

Okay, back to it...I think some of what I wrote above in italics is probably a result of some bullshit thinking. The past couple of years threw me some curveballs I wasn't expecting when it came to relationships and I'm sure I've felt a bit disenchanted and apathetic at times. Hey, people warned me to not tread in the water I decided to wade through, but it's easy to get caught up in a love story...we all have the blinders on at times.

Regardless, while I know that two months ago, I was stressing about present and past relationships all the time, I absolutely see that I am at a point where I'm just not now. No, I haven't shut the book on love...I have crushes and flitters for a certain guy right now and I still wonder about potential with others who are friends or in my past. It's just that, I'm not in any desperate situation where I need to figure it out. As was recently passed back and forth between myself and someone I grew entirely impatient with (maybe I shouldn't have, but that story won't get out, sorry)..."if it's right, we have all the time in the world to figure it out." Maybe the statement stopped adding up for he and I at the time, but it is good for where I am today, with anyone really.

So, where else did it come from? This past summer, I just finally realized that I spent a shitload of the past year focusing on my relationships with everyone...and by that, I mean EVERYONE...men, family, friends. It was finally clear to me that I needed to focus on myself for a while. I have a few to thank for this, but I'll thank them to their faces instead of right here if you don't mind.

So, friends and family...I promise I will get married one day and have some cute little kids to run around and play with all your cute kids...one day, I swear.

Songs...Only You by Joshua Radin and Unsaid by The Fray. Night.