I swear I don’t remember reporters talking in their own tonal language when I was younger. But lately when I watch the news, I end up turning it off because I just can’t handle their inability to talk like people (pause) on the street.
If my news annoyance isn’t registering with you yet, go turn on the news and watch for a few minutes, and let me give you more examples:
Yesterday, Sally Johnson shot her husband and now (pause) tragically (pause, lower voice) he is dead…George Smith addressed the chaos in New Orleans today, and what he had to say (pause) moved millions…The car wreck caused a pileup so huge that no one could move their cars (pause) for hours.
It’s all just so damn unnatural, stupid, and annoying.
Who made this awkward form of speech universally acceptable as the way to present the news? I personally like to refer to it as the ‘Stone Phillips’ style. I remember him doing it way back when, the bizarre sounding transitions from one thought to another…the illusion that his words were a prelude to something completely amazing…and oh yeah, I hated it back then too. Rob Lowe made fun of it on Saturday Night Live once, and he barely even had to exaggerate his speech patterns. My friend Steve can mimic the style perfectly too. He lowers his head, his tone, adopts the stupid seriousness.
I think the next time I go on a date with someone new, I will talk only in news talk. I will end every sentence like a closing statement…“So that must have been fun growing up (pause) in Maine.” And, “Hey, I like your shirt. That color would look good (pause) on my bedroom floor.”
I can guess that if I talked like that all night and then tried to say, “Hey, I had fun, you should come in and hang out (pause) for a while,” he would probably be squealing out of my driveway in reverse faster than I could say, “But I thought (pause) we had fun.”
I mean, look at it, look at how awkward it is to just try to read it with pauses in those stupid places. Then add in the serious pose, the lowered voice, and it’s just ridiculous. So I am making a plea to all you news reporters to PLEASE stop presenting the news this way, or just STOP TALKING ALTOGETHER! My internet at home has been out for a week, and that is the only reason I have to watch the news on TV anyway, because I can’t simply enjoy reading it on (pause) my f**king silent computer screen.
Back to you Bob.
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4 comments:
I'm going to make a point of speaking this way the next time I see you.
Amen. I can't stand watching the news. It's completely ridiculous. Not enough can be said, whether it's about their tone, the actual words and phrases they use, or the things that pass for news. Sadly, however, even the written news is often presented in a faux "entertaining style."
For example, I remember reading about a bus crash that killed several old women. The news article started something like, "It was a clear spring morning as the women of such-and-such retirement community giddily boarded their bus like excited schoolgirls." Oh, is that a fact? You can't just throw crap in that nobody really knows just to make it sound good. It's annoying.
That's funny. Although you've just ruined the news forever for anyone who reads your blog - so three people... Just kidding.
Your internet keeps going out (so you say). Why? You have got to have working internet when I visit - I have on-line classes ya know. So, fix whatever has been going on!
Bye XO
Not all news reporters (pause) speak like that (pause). Just the vain ones in the broadcast media like to (pause) pause.
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JB
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