Trust Me, All Clowns Kill People

Clowns are a creation thought to bring love and joy to many around the world. But that is a terrible terrible lie. Clowns are the scariest thing on earth, and trust me, there isn't a single one who hasn't killed some innocent little child, animal or unknowing 27 year old female at some point in their career.

This all started with Poltergeist. Why my mom let me watch that at age five, but need I even explain why, since 1983, I have checked under the bed nightly for the jingle ball hat, that evil face? I can still hear that squealy laughter as he wraps his candy cane striped arms tightly around poor Robbie's tiny neck. I let the kids at my boarding school watch it on Halloween this year, and the combination of screams from myself and 100 teenagers reinforced my belief that no one is really comfortable with a heavily painted evil grin.

Ronald McDonald even evokes heavy discomfort in my soul. I'm convinced he is poisoning happy meals before mass birthday parties so that he can stick kids in the freezer to use to make the next batch of burgers. Ronald even induces this scent memory in my mind every time he pops up in a commerical that is reminiscent of whiskey and cigarette stained halitosis. I think this stems from a party I myself went to at age five where his face was just way too close to mine. Cheap drunk.

Here are a few more reasons my child will never have a clown at their birthday party...Try watching IT all alone when you are twelve and the house is creaking. Sharp teeth are so unecessary on that evil Pennywise. Killer Clowns from Outerspace, Clownhouse...hardly funny. Even the cute little midget clown in BigFish gives me the creeps a little. The circus has never been a chosen activity for my free time no surprise.

If you need any more proof that clowns are evil, go talk to John Wayne Gacy for a while. He was onto something when he took the idea and turned himself into a serial killer.

But hey, just don't ever come to a costume party at my house dressed as a clown, and I may still consider you a friend.